I belong to a New Mom’s Group with RI New Moms. All of our babies are in the 0-3 month range. All of our babies are learning to coo, watching their fists and balling them up into their mouths, tracking things with their eyes and growing up faster than we’d like. All of our babies are the same, yet different, and I’m so glad Addie’s different was so lovingly embraced.
I tried to tell everyone in the group about her hospital stay and how we learned of her diagnosis in an unorthodox way. I wanted to make eye contact, but I couldn’t stop looking at her. I was preparing for people’s faces to drop, to see wide eyes, hear a gasp that inadvertently made its way past someone’s lips. But that never came. Smiles, head nods, and looks of compassion not pity, were all around me. Addie would be loved by these women, just as she was loved by myself.
Communities seems to be fleeting in some cases. Friends we make at one intersection of life sometimes fail to crossover as we grow, change and, ultimately become who we never thought we would be: our parents (HA!). But, I need people. I need a community of men, women and children who can tell me I’m doing the right thing for Addie. You can never know exactly what your child is going through in life; kids get meaner by the year, after all. However, I will never be able to tell my sweet baby girl that I know how she feels because I’ve been there, too. I can taste the bitterness in my mouth, feeling like the angst-y adolescent I was over a decade ago. I want to tell those kids off and push them to the ground. I want to lose control. I want to make people who have yet to exist, hurt for reasons yet to manifest.
And so, I wait.
I watch her little chest rise and fall. I tear up every time she smiles in her sleep. I have done this since she was born. I’m boarder-line stalking my child. I cannot help it.
I mentioned to Dave, multiple times, about how I am so shocked that she is here. One minute she was in me and I felt her move, and with each new happening (a flutter, a kick, hiccups), I felt like now this is real, but now she is here. She is lying next to me in her pink bassinet and she is real. She is real and really amazing. And she is mine. She is ours.
I suppose never having carried a life, Dave can’t totally understand my feelings, but he loves his “little bit” and I love my “bugga-boo”. We, collectively, have about 300 songs for her, stemming from the multitude of names she has, ranging from Addie-Boombaladdie to Battle-aide (when she’s battling sleep) and so many more.
When it all gets too much, and I need someone, I reach for my cell phone and email someone. Some I’ve just met in one of the many communities I’m coming to form as the cohesive guild I need for me, while some I’ve known for years and have stood the test of time.
The outreach has been unexpected. People who know people. Friends who have friends. Getting an email from someone who knows someone, or is someone who is a little person- reaching out to me, making themselves available and knowing that I just don’t know what to expect. I want to do what is best for Addie- always. I want her to have the experience she deserves in life and every opportunity afforded to her peers- whether they are large or small, short or tall. Just perusing Facebook pages and other blogs, I see happy families, college-bound students, sporting events, vacations, boyfriends, girlfriends, and happy hours.
And I am at ease.
There is a community who will help us raise Addie- it takes a village, after all. She will be loved by many, and feared by some.
But aren’t we all?