It’s been awhile since I’ve written, and I’ve got a ton of ideas but the one thing that came out is this: I didn’t know your haircut would break my heart everyday.
I know it’s totally ridiculous that your haircut broke my heart at all, but I’d asked before if either one of you had wanted your haircut and you always said no. But then something changed, and I asked expecting a no, and you said yes. And your sister said yes too. So I cut her hair real simple, her waves falling down beautiful and wispy as always- her first haircut was in August 2014 when doctors shaved her hair for surgery. This cut felt good. She was safe- and I loved that feeling.
But your hair is different. As I cut across I noticed all of the baby ends, the very beginning of your hair. Those five years ago when I first saw your shock of fluff, those were falling off. They were so gentle as they hit the floor and what I believed was thin, but long, hair, proved to be incredibly thick. As I pull your hair into ponytails and braids, a bun for dance or pigtails for school, I can’t help but remember when the ends of your hair, your very beginnings at the ends and not the roots, fooled me into thinking you had baby fine hair.
But you don’t and I’m forever finding that your thick hair is is strong, it is beautiful. It is like you, everything else that you are. You are shocking in your resilience, everyday you surprise me with a new vocabulary word or a hint of sarcasm or questioning far beyond your years. You are strong both emotionally and physically, but you are also vulnerable and crave being held and assured. I didn’t realize that a haircut would break my heart everyday, but it does. I thought at some point first would stop being heartbreaking. Maybe they become more heartwarming. And well I still believe this could be true, it hasn’t happened yet. My heartbreak phase is still in full swing. So be gentle with Mama’s heart, and slow down.