As the days press on and the reality sinks in that we may be done having children… all I wish for is that I knew.
![I'm [not] Done Having Babies. A mother's sturggle.](https://i0.wp.com/aisforadelaide.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/im-not-done-having-babies.png?resize=683%2C1024&ssl=1)
I wish I’d realized when the last was here, because I didn’t get to treasure those moments. I didn’t know it would be the last time that my body would carry a child- that each line, new ripple, dimple that I just wanted to get rid of was something I would yearn for more of.
Each stretch mark my baby’s little fingers trace. What’s that, mommy? It reminds me of her perfect pregnancy and all-too-brief, almost organismic, delivery. But she was my second, and I missed opportunities to cherish each moment.
![I'm [not] Done Having Babies. A mother's sturggle.](https://i0.wp.com/aisforadelaide.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/first-pregnancy-adelaide.jpg?resize=1024%2C681&ssl=1)
My first pregnancy came on the heels of a miscarriage, and I spent each minute of that pregnancy talking, rocking, reading, learning, loving each curve- playing at pushing my belly out until it finally popped. I appreciated its new job. Embraced every new feeling. Had I known I was having my last, maybe I would have done the same.
![I'm [not] Done Having Babies. A mother's sturggle.](https://i2.wp.com/aisforadelaide.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/CamilleThea-newborn-photography.jpg?resize=683%2C1024&ssl=1)
I would not have fallen into bed each night after pushing though my days or slapped lotion on if a new mark showed up on my body. I would not have forgotten to say goodnight sweet baby to my unborn. I should have slowed down, and enjoyed the moments as they passed instead of dreading my growing womb, which stressed my mind about my postpartum figure.
I naïvely thought I would do this again. Click To Tweet
Maybe I didn’t give her enough of me.
I wish I had known she would be my last. That the first time I put her to my breast to would be the last first time, or that the last load of cloth diapers that went into my laundry didn’t have to come with such a huff- because it would be the last time, ever. The painful blisters of budding teeth- the ones I hated- I wish I knew to celebrate the last sign of a molar because it would be my last baby tooth to celebrate. I wish I knew her last sleep in her crib… the nap she tried to climb out, would be the last baby in a crib in my home. Our home.
The last time I would serve a first food.
I wish I would have known that all the first things I did with Camille would be the last first things I would do with my own babies.
![I'm [not] Done Having Babies. A mother's sturggle.](https://i2.wp.com/aisforadelaide.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/motherhood.jpg?resize=760%2C1024&ssl=1)
And it hurts.
I want to make the lingering hurt go away. And I wish this decision was made because I felt like I was done having children. But I don’t feel done.
Sometimes, we just have to make the best decisions for our family. Sometimes we have to make the hard decisions because they’re right.
But I wish I had known.
…and I pray that something changes.
I very much appreciated this post. I never thought I would end up only have one child. I didn’t stop and enjoy all the “firsts” since I knew I would be doing this again. The emptiness inside some days feels unbearable. I try to remind myself it take a strong person to choose to do the right thing for there family. Whatever your reasons, or my reasons for being (not) done I sure hope we can find peace within.
Sending you so much love… we can find peace. I just don’t feel it will be soon.
This is both heartwarming and so sad all at the same time. I can practically feel your love for your kids coming off my monitor in waves. At the same time, reading about your struggle with the fact that Camille might have been your last baby is so sad. I really hope something changes for you as well, and you can have one more last time. <3
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I am so sorry that you are going through this! Maybe ink the future something will change and you will get to have more children. I always wanted a lot of children, but after we had the kiddos we had God gave me peace with it and that desire is gone! I think with your desire, you will have more later! 🙂
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I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. I missed some things with my kids that I wish I had paid more attention to.
It really is hard to fully appreciate these things while their happening. When they say learning to live in the moment takes a lot of practice, they’re right.
My heart feels you. I have had 6 and I am not done either. My heart is not full yet! I was going to write a blog post about this also! 🙂
I know how hard decisions like these are. I have two beautiful and healthy little girls, yet I’ve always wished for another child. When I got diagnosed with breast cancer last year I went through menopause and was told that I most likely not be able to have children, by some miracle I think I am able again and it’s a decision my husband and I will have to make.
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I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. There are times when I wish for more children as well. I have two daughters of my own.
It is so important to cherish all the little moments we have with our kids. It was hard for me to come to terms that my Son would be our only child.
When I was pregnant with my Daughter the Doctor told me I should not have any more children. My body just could not handle another pregnancy. I am glad I knew ahead of time. I was able to really cherish all the little things with her.
Thank you for sharing such a heartwarming and touching post. I totally feel you on so many emotions.
It is hard not knowing but living in the moment and having memories is so important too. Thank you for sharing your feelings.
That must be a frustrating feeling to want to have more children and have to make a conscious decision not to do that. I can feel your emotion through the words in your post. I hope you get your chance to have all those moments again with another child.
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I had these same feelings after our last baby. I’m sorry you are hurting and completely understand what you are going through.
What a difficult decision to make. I can feel how much you’d like to experience that at least one more time. Parenthood is hard in all of it’s stages, including ones you never expected or knew would come.
Thank you for sharing your story. I can (somewhat) understand your frustration and pain. I recently went through a miscarriage this year and it sucked– thinking you would have one more chance to do those things and then you don’t. Here’s to hoping for the best!
Love reading your story and while I can’t fully relate, I can feel your pain. I truly hope everything turns out just the way you want it. Keeping you in my thoughts.
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I’m so sorry for the heartache! I was told I wouldn’t have kids. Then I had two. Then I lost one, thought I would die – because I lost a lot of blood. Then, out of nowhere, I got pregnant at 35, with triplets, not trying. I had triplets. Then, my body went into shock? I went through menopause – EARLY. I just thought my body was literally going crazy. I couldn’t have children now. I can’t. Not even several years ago. And you know what hurt the most? NOT KNOWING! I didn’t know. I didn’t think that would happen to me. I’m still in shock and haven’t had a period in almost 5 years. I get this. So much!
My parents went through this after me when they found out they couldn’t have anymore children. They wanted a huge family. I think time will heal this as more firsts come and go (like Addie’s first tooth OMG!!!). love you, big sis!
I feel the same way. I constantly struggle with it though!