Today I’m letting her go.
Into a world that somehow full of more hate than I ever imagined.
These last few weeks have been so full of violence, pain, suffering. Man-made. Mother Nature. I’ve felt beaten and burdened.
But still I have to let her go.
And she’s going into the lion’s den for so many of us… School. A place where I can’t control who she’s speaking to. What their parents have told them. How they feel about children who are different.
As a woman. A tattooed woman. A Jewish tattooed woman. A Jewish tattooed woman who has a history of depression. A Jewish tattooed woman who has a history of depression who’s not a native to the area. Who is also somewhat alone in this lion’s den. I don’t know what these people will think of my child or her mother in their den. And yet I sent her in armed as best I can with kind words a beautiful soul with smile that can heal.
I don’t even know how we got here.
I’m sending her to kindergarten.
And she will form her own thoughts and beliefs, and surround herself with new friends and people with different ideas and different beliefs. And I won’t know if they love her or they hate her or what they see when they first look at her or what they hear when they first talk to her if they’re even listening to her at all.
And I can’t guide the words that she says or help her find the words that she doesn’t know, or express herself in frustrating times or calm her in sheer excitement. And yet I’m sending her to kindergarten with two teeth fallen from her head. Proof, she is old enough. She is ready and changing and excited for new phases- to struggle and soar.
…30 minutes later the second tooth came out!
My job is to love her.
Wholly. Completely. Without judgment or fear. To prepare her for the world… but how do I do that when I’m not prepared for the world? This world. This country is not what I was raised to believe it was. It’s more vile, more dangerous, and I no longer feel safe. As a tattooed Jewish woman with a history of depression parenting a child with a disability in a place I did not grow up in, I must raise her.
And so I arm her with kind words a beautiful soul a smile that heals and myself with an open heart, as an ally in progress, and a drive to heal, protect, and unite. To be an autonomous advocate.
Today I let her go to kindergarten, and I actually said a prayer that I get her back. Not just the her I sent into school, the one that’s innocent and loves everyone and laughs with reckless abandon. The child that I have raised to see difference, and love it, to not be embarrassed by it, to defend it. I pray I get her back. Everyday. Because the future, the children, lives that we used to hold sacred and dear, that we used to say we protected, those beliefs don’t seem to hold true so much these days. Our country has abandoned the injured, the different.
She is silly.
And graceful.
And passionately loves.
So she is there making the world a better place.
I am here. And I pray.
I vividly remember letting our baby girl go. She went to Head Start first, and I was in a position work-wise to be able to go to her school for lunch or little walking trips around town they would take. I’ll never forget those days. I know all too well how difficult it is that first day. I will pray that your daughter had a great first day! Commenting for Ladonna Dennis Maxwell @momblogsociety.com
She rocked it! Thank you!
Oh gosh, I remember those days. When I sent my first off to kindergarten, I didn’t have the worry of violence we have today, but I did feel like I had full-on sent her to college. LOL
Stacie @ Divine Lifestyle recently posted…5 Tips for Establishing a Back-to-School Routine #SickJustGotReal
LOL!
Awwww mama, I’ve been there. It feels like it was just yesterday, but my baby just started EIGHTH grade. How did that happen? Hang in there -I know it’s hard, but she is going to rock it.
O my gosh! I hope eighth grade started off well for you!
My kiddo is in fourth grade and every day I still almost cry. I would much rather have my kiddo at home with me and get to enjoy the years I have before he goes on his own. This post is beautiful and I know she will do so well.
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Thank you! Sending love to you, too!
Kindergarten is such a scary time for a mommy. Letting them go where we aren’t their first line of defense is so hard to do. Plus, we have to finally admit they’re growing up.
BOO to growing up!
It’s definitely a scary moment when you leave your little one at school for the first time. I do think there are more beautiful experiences to be had than bad ones though. I hope your daughter has a great time!
Dawn Lopez recently posted…Sweet Apple Chicken Sausage Stuffed Acorn Squash
I hope so!
I hope Addie has a good day at school today! Hoping she has a blessed year and makes lots of good friends.
She really loves school- thank God!
Awe!!! I hope you both had a great first day! It’s a huge transition, but one you will both come to love. I have 4 in elementary and 2 more to go. Crazy how fast the time goes.
Keikilani recently posted…Jimmy’s Epic 7th Birthday
WOAH! That actually sounds like an amazing adventure for you! <3
I love your writing! Your girl is so precious and it is so hard to let them go. My son has autism, and I prayed so hard when he went to Kindergarten. We prayed for his teachers, the staff, the kids, for him and for us. And they were answered!
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That makes my heart smile for you!
All we can do is be the best parents we can be and hope for the best when our kiddos head off to school. Our girls are in their last year of middle school… thankful they are strong and independent and willing to share things with me. Just be there for your Miss A and support her, listen to her and watch as she spreads her wings.
That’s great advice- thank you!
She’s very adorable! It can be such a hard time for parents when kids go off to school. I remember my first time having my girls start school for the very first time. Sometimes it can be harder on us as parents than it is for the kids.
I was shocked I didn’t cry! LOL
I remember that day so vividly with my first child. Hang in there mama. She will make the world a more beautiful place.
<3
What a beautiful and emotional time. I homeschool my children for now, I have a number of reasons but one of them is the fear of how full of hate the world is. I can’t handle it. Congratulations!!
Hali @daytodayMOMents recently posted…Rigoni di Asiago Sweetener & Spreads You’ll Love!
Have a wonderful school year!
I may not be a mom, but I know how hard it can be to let someone go off on their own journey without being in full control of it. You are such a lovely, strong mama you are doing great! I bet she will have a wonderful class and a nice time thru her kinder year! Sending hugs!
Thank you!!!
Beautifully worded article!! You are a good mommy!! I hope your precious daughter has a great time at kindergarten.
Thank you, so much!
I admire your blog and appreciate you sharing your path/journey. I was wondering if I could email you personally with some questions?
Sure- just fill out the contact form.