I found myself sitting with a sick kid this week, soaked with sweat, coiled in a painful ball; from belly cramps and newly freed legs. I was in a fog, myself. Piled on the couch between deadlines and insurance refusal letters. Clients that emailed numerous times despite the automatic reply about being away for family medical necessity, and EOBs that explained nothing about our benefits except that we didn’t have any.
So I scrolled
It’s always Facebook and Instagram I turn to; reading a book makes my mind turn over the words, process. Social media numbs my senses… typically. But on this night it did not.
As I sat in my Lularoe leggings and muscle tank, craving a night at the gym and a glass of wine, I watched old friends on vacation, at work, living a life I used to embrace as my own. Late nights getting out of the kitchen, tan lines I never let completely fade. My bucket list was of my dreams… not a dream of the dreams I had.
And I felt as though I could not pass
These are not twenty-somethings living a life I once lived, too, but my thirties crew who are yet unwed or without children. Enjoying a hike through waterfalls in a faraway land, passing by icebergs I’ve only ever read about in a book, enjoying street food made in the country of origin… not from the food truck aiming to replicate something their hipster taste buds once happened upon in Brooklyn.
I watched ice clinking in glasses filled with a perfect jigger pour of oak-aged whiskey. The way a couple’s eyes lock the weekend they move in together, the tenderness of the forehead kiss when there’s still time to kiss at all.
I was shaken from my scroll
By the heaving of her small body. There was nothing left in it, of course, but that wouldn’t stop it from betraying her- giving into whatever she’d picked up at the hospital where she’d been put through pins pulled from her legs, wounds and scars forever the reminder.
No. She would get no rest and relief tonight.
As her eyes closed, her gray skin glistening on her brow, lips peaked and parted just enough to let her jagged, dry breaths escape, I looked over at my computer screen about to fall asleep.
A big group photo of friends surrounding someone I knew from college. Pearly smiles beamed back at me before the screen switched to black, and before I could stop myself, my hand dashed to the track-pad.
But it was already dark
Like a sign.
I looked back over at her body, at rest. Her right leg peeking out from the blanket, showing band aids and dry skin. Small swollen ankles, sweetly curled one around the other.
The impasse
I stood, still as I could, in the middle of my living room, as to not creek the wood floors and startle my baby awake. I raised my arms up in a stretch, slightly arching my back, just enough to catch a glimpse of our family photos from last Fall that hang on the outside wall. And I saw why this is all meant to be mine now.
Someday, I may travel, or enjoy wine from the balcony of an all white hotel suite nary a child’s cry in earshot… I won’t be as young as these old friends are now. I will have weathered more storms than their younger selves. My hands will show my age, my eyes will deceive how young I feel by revealing freshly made lines each morning. Proof that I have lived a life.
I fell in love
Many moons ago. To a boy with a grin and long sideburns. He played music late into the night and enjoyed the feeling of a Fall breeze on a nighttime city bike ride.
I miss the apartment bedroom we shared, with a mattress and box spring on the floor. The bathroom where we only had a small stall. There were nights we rode our bikes, through a whiskey and fried pickle dinner stupor. We held hands and walked for miles, sipping the same extra-large coffee. A day spent on the cliff walks seemed like our right.
But I am still in love. Only three times as much… because it’s not just him and me anymore. It’s him and me and she and her. And we’re all in this together, making a bucket list and dreaming about its contents. Instead of spending a delicious Monday day-drinking a bloody Mary along side poached eggs and avocados, I check off my daily list. Of miles to run, client emails, school pick up, countless activities, fundraiser goals, and trying to get 5 hours before I wake up and do it all over again.
And I enjoy it that much more
That first sip of wine with friends, a fire pit and shared s’mores with my love after the kids have fallen asleep, a long walk with just me and the dog.
It’s not just another Saturday night at the same bar. Each moment off my check-list means more than it ever did before.
It ended there
The impasse feeling. There was a fire rekindled in me, and though it was late and my computer was dark, doing nothing but telling me about the time ticking by, I stole one more glance at my babe. She made me a mother after our first pregnancy was lost. I watched him cradle her sick body back up to the bath, yet again. Fighting to break her fever and clean her off.
I headed to the basement with another load of towels, and smiled as my feet hit each step in this house we’ve made a home. For all of these moments I am graced with in my life, are just my path. If I wasn’t their mother, who would I be? Not a smiling face in a group photo… but a woman lost. At almost 33 I know- I always wanted the life where I wake up to tiny hands groping for snuggles, bleary eyes made over a lukewarm cup of coffee- a lame attempt at flirting, the street where trick-or-treating is like a religion, and Christmas lights warm the windows of our classic New England town. Yes. I’ve always dreamed of this… I live my bucket list and get the opportunity to make another.
A vacation would be nice. Insurance that covers our medical needs would be amazing. But being their mom, his wife… there’s no word to describe that. Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.
That was absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing those thoughts. Sometimes I let the struggle of being wife, mother, and all the hats that go with it get to me – but then I look into the eyes of my family, and I know it’s all been worth it, and will continue to be.
One day we’ll get to travel the world, but for now we’re living the biggest adventure of them all.
So very true.
Reading this just makes my heart so happy. It gives me all the feels that I get when I look at my own family.
Stacie @ Divine Lifestyle recently posted…5 Top Picks for Family Holiday Gifts
<3
I absolutely adore your writing style! I’m not a mom, but you really made me FEEL just by reading this!
Jeni Hawkins recently posted…Morning Coffee (12/5) Bunk Bed Fun, Christmas Scavenger Hunt, Season for Leggings, Funnel Cake Lollipops, Hedgehog Mittens & More!
Thank you so much.
Some very beautiful thoughts about life, love and the responsibility that you have and are enjoying, and embracing. I know how tough it is to have a sick child, and the pain we feel.
Sometimes i feel like there is nothing harder. 🙁
This is wonderful! I am totally in love with my family! We do travel some, but no matter if we never traveled another day I would still be beyond happy!
Jeanette recently posted…Creamy Brussel Sprout Bake
<3
Great read and outlook on life. Thanks for sharing your experiences
Thanks for reading!
What a wonderful read. I enjoyed reading through this. Family is everything!
That’s the truth!
We all feel this one way or another I believe. A longing for a life that we used to have our that others our age have. It passes though when you realize exactly what you have 🙂
It’s so hard to be in the moment.
Well said! I wouldn’t trade the worst days of being a Mom to be footloose and fancy free again. I love my path!
Dawn Lopez recently posted…Marshmallow PEEPS Christmas Tree Cupcakes
Hell yeah!
Your writing is always so beautful. Others might be sailing the world at your age, but yu have gifts far better than they do..those perfect little angels.
They are, indeed, my angels. I think I would not be a very good world sailor. I like my sweet anchors too much.
I remember sitting up with my Son when he was little whenever he was sick. It is so hard to see our little ones not feeling well. This is a beautifully written post.
Thank you so much.
Wonderfully said. I wouldn’t trade where I am today for the world.
Stacie recently posted…How to Survive Cold Season with a New Baby
BOOM!
Through all the ups and downs of motherhood I wouldn’t change a thing. Your words really hit home.
Tara recently posted…Baked Potato Fondue
Exactly! Thank you!
SO so true. You made me smile and you made me teary eyed. My daughter is an adult now and a new mom. I well remember some of those moments but I wouldn’t have traded in a second of it. And yes, now I am travelling and doing those other things as well. I was where I was supposed to be back then. I am where I am supposed to be now.
Hell yeah. you just made my heart soar. Also I’m crying.
It’s so wonderful to hear someone talk about how much they cherish their life. It’s too often people don’t appreciate what’s right in front of them for the time being.
It’s hard, but damn… these days are going by too fast. I can already feel it. I almost cherish being tired.
This is such a wonderful reminder to embrace every moment life gives us. You have a wonderful life.
Thank you.
Very well said. Parenting is full of ups and downs but family is everything. I love all the moments, even the not so great ones.
Sarah recently posted…Easy Teriyaki Chicken with Zoodles Dinner Recipe! + 25 Ninja® Intelli-Sense™ Kitchen System with Auto Spiralizer™ Giveaway!!
I am learning to love them all!
It is so difficult to watch your kids be sick and know there is nothing you can do but try to comfort them. This really captured what parenting is like.
SO hard, for sure.
We all live different stories and right now you’re living yours. It may not be from an luxurious hotel in an island somewhere but it’s home and it’s where your heart is happy. I think it’s awesome how much we’ve endured in our lives as mothers and how much more we could do for our kids.
<3
All the feels right here! It’s so refreshing to read a blog post where the heart is actually poured out onto the computer screen. I feel you – hang in there!
allison recently posted…Hot Chocolate Ornaments – 3 Different Ways
Thank you. <3
Very true. Parenting can be such a roller coaster but in the end all that really matters is family.
Very true.