Dear Internet,
First you really liked #metoo. Then you hated it. It wasn’t empowering for the victims to have to out themselves. Then it was OK if you said their names. Then it was why. Why would you say their names? You didn’t like our stories or you did. And they made you brave. Or you didn’t want to share, but you wanted people to know that you were #metoo, too, but you didn’t want to post it. Or you just didn’t all together.
And it all seems like, Internet, no one gives a fuck what you want.
At least not me
Because #metoo.
It feels like you can’t make up your mind, Internet. Like the victim you blame, who MAY have said yes, but then was like naaaaah. And he (or she) should have been OK with that, but instead, you blamed her. Because she was a cocktease, a whore, asking for it, should have made up her mind. Slut.
But I don’t care about how you feel.
Because his name was
Ron
Derrick
Sean
William
Josh
Raymond
Dan
Christian
And he
jerked off on me and touched me before I’d hit puberty.
Sodomized me in a park.
Burned me with a cigarette for not going in the woods with him.
Fed me Zima to quench an undying thirst as he drove me around in a car with the heat blasting.
Roofied and tried to rape me.
Raped me.
Hit me. Beat me.
Forced me to have sex as we slept in a shared bed.
At gun point- because it was a game.
And it wasn’t just his game. It was all of you. You all took cues from each other in the Boys’ Club, like passing notes in 10th grade chem class. Information shared about what kind of drinks a girl likes, where you’ll be when you get yours, if they’ll help a guy out so he can get some.
Get some.
As though I am some.
But I’m not some
I’m ALL, Bitch. I’m everything. I am my sun, moon, Earth. I am the only stars in my sky. I am the reason my legs get me out the bed in the morning. The legs you’ve spread open for your own empowerment. Raping my choices away. I am why I live each day- because it is a choice.
Just like it was a choice to use your body to mutilate mine.
I have girls.
I don’t actually have them. I birthed them. Two of the most beautiful wonderful girls that have ever walked this Earth. Girls who are building their own thoughts and ideas and opinions about life. Recently, I had them tattooed on my arm very specifically. It’s as though their placement was the most purposeful, perfect planning- regardless of the fact that I hadn’t had work on my arms since years before their births.
A bear on my triceps. A muscle that must be worked to maintain it’s definition, but powerful. Full extension of the arm. Used in strikes for precision blows, downward momentum. Emblazoned with a bear. A beautiful, meticulously adorned bear. A little clumsy, but cute. Much adored. Deadly.
Adelaide
On my biceps, a moose. What you see when I flex. Needed to twist and pull. Stealth, grace. A two-headed beast of a muscle. A messy intersection of lines making up a moose. Cute and celebrated as a sign of fall and forest life. Often shocking, up close, in size. Stoic, solitary… brutal when angered.
Camille
You ask
why I’m so guarded, loud, aggressive. Why would I ever walk down a dark alley without a friend. If I don’t want to get hurt, maybe I shouldn’t date that kind of guy, drink that drink, live in a city.
You shouldn’t rape
Maybe you should know that no retracts consent the moment it is uttered. That I have the right to change my mind. That the blood circulating through your erection is not more important than my decision. My choice. My governing of my own body.
#metoo
And I don’t care if you like my story, Internet. If it makes you uncomfortable. Angry. Hurt. Your emotions aren’t my problem here. You have a voice. A choice. You can say no. Shut down. Walk away.
I didn’t.
There was no choice. No voice. It was stifled under a salty hand, sweaty tshirt, the hairy forearm of a drunk college boy. Never again will I try to breathe through a car seat as my face is forced down into it. Trying to bite a hand a can’t get my teeth around. Choking on the frayed hem of an undershirt that smells like a deli and coffee.
My voice. It’s loud AF.
ME TOO.
I’m so so sorry.
And I’m so so thankful for you sharing this.
Your truth is powerful and will show someone else that you are a survivor, and they are, as well.
I’m glad to have met you, my new friend.
Andrea Bates recently posted…Let’s Talk LipSense
And I, you, love. It was destiny! <3
I am so sorry that all of that happened to you. I am glad that you feel that you can share so that those that have been through it like you know they are not alone. It shows how powerful you are.
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Thank you for your support.
That is so horrible! I am so sorry that these things happened even one time to you. I wasn’t surprised when #MeToo blew up the internet. Sexual abuse is real, and it’s everywhere. What did surprise me was that so many of those stories involved it happening more than once to the same girl or woman. THAT is how disgustingly pervasive this is.
Stacie @ Divine Lifestyle recently posted…Entenmann’s Little Bites Pumpkin Muffins Halloween Class Party Snack Kabobs #LoveLittleBites
It really is.
This made me cry because none of this should happen but it does. It IS the fear and the shame that keeps kids quiet, but it is also our culture that makes molestation and rape ok. “Men are pigs” they “think with their penis instead of their brain”. “You can’t be a tease and lead a guy on” and girls are seen as victims and have to watch out for boys but girls are supposed to take sexual advances as flattery and self-worth. It is so stupid and crazy and chilling and it makes no sense!!!! When will our boys and girls be able to not have to worry about sexual predators in their families, their schools, their sports… when will it be ok for kids to tell and be believed and be valued? I’m glad you are talking about it. We all need to keep talking about it.
Jen Temcio recently posted…Candy Corn Brookie Bars for Fall (Healthier Version)
I HATE that we’re told to invite it, or else we’re frigid. WTF is this world?
Very empowering post and I couldn’t help myself from cheering you on the more I read it! Thank you for your bravery!
<3
Your words are powerful! They are your weapon- they are your girls’ weapons against ever having to endure that kind of awful experience. I can’t even begin to process how hard it must be for you to have been violated in such a heinous way. I can only hope that your words have serious reverberations and help all of us speak out more and provide our girls with a future in which no such heinous act will ever befall them.
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I can’t let anything happen to them. I think it would break me.
The victim-blaming is a serious problem with our culture. Sexual assaults have been problems for a very long time and people do have to raise their voices about it.
It’s sickening. We need to be the voices to change this!
I am so glad you shared your feelings about this sometimes hard to touch upon subject. You always have the BEST words to share how you feel Chelley. Thank you!
Thank you for your support.
Wow, I’m so sorry! However, it’s so awesome that you are speaking up. I love how brave you are and it shows that you are a fighter!
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I feel like we all need to fight for our future!
I’m so sorry that you’ve had to experience such big trials in your life. Thank you so much for sharing, I feel like when we share hard parts of our lives, it always helps others know that they aren’t alone.
Truth.
I am so sorry for the things you endured. I am so happy that you spoke up.
Thank you.
I’m so sorry for the things that happened to you. Speaking up can be so empowering. Thank you for sharing.
Truly. Thank you.
I am so sorry that you have been through these things. It is so important to make sure that we speak up against these things. Thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you for your support.
It can be hard to share our stories, to open ourselves up to the odd criticism that come with being a victim. I commend your bravery. Hopefully your words will mean a safer world for our daughters.
Lord, I hope so!