I’ve thought long and hard. My children will see this. My grandchildren will know. Depression runs in my family. But I am not embarrassed. I do not fear people knowing. I am not ashamed.
Severe clinical depression.
Mania.
Bipolar.
I’m not a killer.
At 30, depression and I cohabitate. I firmly believe that pregnancy can bring on hormonal changes, and for me, this meant quelling part of the darkness. Not the blues, but the part if me that wanted to die. I still get sad, we all do. We’re human. I preface this, because there’s no cause for concern.
And again, I’ll remind you: I’m not a killer.
I even failed at killing myself. More than once.
If we’re going to tackle the blame game being passed around the internet, we need to be transparent. I’m see through. And though you can see though me, you can still see me. I won’t let others who you refuse to see, suffer anymore. I won’t let you not see them. I wont let you blame them.
I’m not a killer.
Years of my life spent cutting, pulling blades from shavers after my mom banned art supplies like exacto knives and box cutters, removing scissors from drawers. Sharpes became the dangerous things around me. Shoe laces, wide elastic bands one could separate from clothing and tie around the neck, medication and, of course, sharp objects.
I’m not a killer.
In a past life, I’ve been up for days successively: Cleaning, thinking, crying, writing, cutting, puking. I’ve wondered who would miss me, what it would say on my headstone. Would the newspaper say “died suddenly”? Would I get the privilege of being spared “crazy”?
Because I’m not a killer.
But, it seems, my disease is what killers are made of. Cut from the cloth of crazy. Depressed. Mental issues.
White people can’t kill because they’re evil, they kill because they’re crazy.
I’m crazy.
I’m not a killer.
You want to look at me and tell me all the ways those people are like me, or worse, how I’m like them. How we grew up in a nice family, but there was tragedy. Early onset of depression. Hospitalization. Meds didn’t work. Bullied. Smart, but not a lot of friends.
And yet, I’m not a killer.
You want to stay safe in your homes. You don’t want to admit there’s more. There’s an epidemic. Or pandemic. An illness called evil. An access to weapons and an inability to advocate for change. Groups of hate and ignorance, racism and prejudice in our beloved “melting pot”. You want it to be as simple as mental illness. As depression or mania. You want it to be an episode.
You want to believe that those good people, who you never thought would do that, can’t blame it on something else. They’re just crazy. You have the privilege to think that way.
But I want you to know.
There’s something more to this puzzle.
I’m. Not. A. Killer.
You are the opposite, you breed life and breathe life into those around you. My life is fuller because of our friendship. Your children’s lives will always be better because of your honesty and your willingness to fight for what is right. I love you!
Love you, back.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…I’m Not a Killer
I hear you. I understand you. I am there with you my friend.
<3
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…I’m Not a Killer
Thank you so much for sharing something so personal. It takes a very strong person to do that! As someone who works hard as an advocate for children with disabilities, I hate that we blame so much on mental illnesses (especially either depression or autism). Instead of blaming people or even illnesses/disabilities, we need to start looking at health insurance and medical care in this country. Why are so many people who truly need help denied the services they need (in hospitals, doctors’ offices, public schools, etc.)?
Carrie @huppiemama recently posted…Cajun Lobster Boil Recipe
So true. YES.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…Top 10 of 2015
Thank you for sharing. We went through this with my daughter for a while. it’s not an easy path.
It really isn’t. I hope your daughter is on a better path now. There is light out there… but it can be hard to find.<3
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…Top 10 of 2015
Such an amazing post that probably helped in your healing. We all have something right?
Harriet recently posted…Kids locked in cars on a hot day #checkforbaby
That we do!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…Top 10 of 2015
It’s so common but the most overlooked and under treated. It runs in my family as well. Makes me more depressed when I am struggling with depression myself and my sister and brother are dealing with issues I can’t seem to help them.
It can be such a hard hole to dig ourselves out of… not to mention trying to help others.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…Top 10 of 2015
It is everywhere. Getting help is nearly IMPOSSIBLE. Getting GOOD QUALITY help IS impossible.
Thank you for being brave, and being who you are!
Joely Smith recently posted…5 Reasons To Start The New Year With Senior Dog Food For Your Senior Dog #BrightMind
It is so hard- that’s no joke. If my mom had not been a psychologist and known whereto take me, I fear my outcome could have been different.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…Top 10 of 2015