This may be better than reading… forgive the 10pm look of tired.
At one point, long before I had children I figured hey, you’ve done a lot of bad shit, maybe don’t have kids.
But like many other people in this world, I met a man I loved and we made a baby. And then another. And somewhere in between me cutting down on the amount of straight whiskey shots I was taking and the weekly races I run from Spring to Fall, I had come to realize I stopped scrubbing the floors until my cuticles bled and tears fell. Most times I felt frustration, the anger that came flooding after, the thoughts of hurt and pain and anguish- those all kind of just. Well…
they just stopped.
I always wanted children, but that’s a hell of a lot different than having them.
I want to win the lottery, too… but I don’t play the lottery and I do- as you can guess- have had sex.
And so I have 2 kids and no lottery winnings.
I digress.
What I mean is, the part of me that liked to cut up my arms and burst into anger and more than contemplated suicide, just went away.
But what if I gave it to them?
I recently spoke to a woman who had lost her son to depression. Yes, I said lost her son to depression, because if you think depression is a choice or even suicide at the point of execution, then you are ignorant to what depression is.
Depression is not being sad for a few days or about one specific thing. It’s a spiral into hell. It’s the deepest part of your psyche lost in a blackness that none would dare imagine. It’s the point of losing feeling- mental and physical. If you’ve ever said, “Ermagherd, like I know, I was so depressed after that test,” you have no fucking idea what depression is.
That being said, I spoke to a woman who had lost her son to depression. And as I listened to her, my insides tore apart. I could feel blood pouring out of my veins and spilling into my body. I was becoming weak. I knew in those moments, as her words flooded my ears, I’d done all of this to my mother… except I lived. And now I was as guilty of torturing my mother as I was of surviving the insanity of bipolar disorder.
And then the ringing in my ears stopped, and my head cleared, and I glanced down… and on my breast laid a sleeping babe. Her skin as pale and creamy as the most perfect complexion could be described. Her chest slowly rising and falling, gentle whimpers leaving her lips. Small fingers gently pulsing on my back.
What if I gave it to her?
Depression is a demon. It finds you staring back at you in the mirror at 2am. Sober as a judge, wondering why you’re awake. Better yet, why you were born. And the mania? Well that plays a role, too. Lurking behind every plan you’ve ever attempted to make. Not letting you leave on time because you didn’t make the bed and the coffee pot is on and you haven’t slept in days and the phone might ring what if the phone rings and you’re not home and you need to turn around and go back because just one. more. thing. And it’s obsession and love, and the worst hate and deepest pain. And you never know what your day may bring, or even if you want the whole day to happen. Maybe you’ll just end it now.
And what if I gave it to them?
My girls. My reason for living. My lowest lows seem to be gone and my highest highs controlled. I seem to be OK. My tears flow without anger or guilt or resentment or fear. Sometimes they are just tears and that’s kind of… well… normal. And that’s ok.
But what if I gave it to them?
And what if he blames me?
And what happens if we lose our loves to depression?
Because of me.
Being a parent is not fun sometimes.
Sometimes, it’s the scariest, most guilt-ridden thing I think one can do to themselves.
And damn it, sometimes all we can do is pray we didn’t pass it on.
my Dear ,
If you passed it on,there is help.
I have depression.Didnt even know it for years.May have even had what they call
Border line personality disorder.Maybe its really Bipolar .My Husband has it too.
My children cant win.But there is hope .There is always Hope.There is always new and better medicines and there is God.
Thank you. <3
This felt like it cracked me wide open, like you were me describing me only so much more eloquently. Although if your depression is passed to your girls, thankfully they have a mother who understands on the deepest level having been there herself. Not that you don’t want to spare them from it, but if for whatever reason that doesn’t happen, your girls are so blessed to have a mother that will help them fight in the trenches….sometimes in our darkest hours, just knowing that we have someone that not only loves us immensely and unconditionally but who has stared into the same pit of hell we are facing provides us with the one kernel of light and hope that we need to keep going. So much love to you and yours. Thank you for the gift of this post.
Thank you so very much. I wish you lots of love and light <3
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
If nothing else, hopefully this helps people who are suffering from depression know that they are not alone. <3
I hope so.
Wow. Just when I think I’ve seen every side you’d want to show me through your blog, I see something else. It’s possible you gave them a propensity for some sort of mental illness, but parents give their kids all kinds of things. You know exactly what to look for and how to deal. I think you and the babes are going to be fine. =D
Jennifer recently posted…Piña Colada Fruit Dip Recipe
I hope so… maybe they will just get a lot of my potty mouth and none of my crazy mind!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
Wow, what a beautiful post and yes it was better with you reading it to us. I’ve been living with depression for years now and recently I realized it was passed down from my grandmother who had depression but was never treated for it. My biggest fear is that I passed it on to my kids.
Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. Sending prayers your way hun!
Corina Ramos recently posted…Buh-bye Other Brand-I Love Neutrogena Naturals Make-Up Remover Cleansing Towelettes
I know that your kiddos have a wonderful support in you <3
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
You know, some bloggers say they want to share their journey with us, but you’re one of the few bloggers I’ve seen that shares everything. You share the good, the bad, the sad, the ugly, the hopeful… Just everything, and I love it.
Dawn recently posted…Twist That Dish: Make Cheesy Chicken Pot Pie with Only 5 Ingredients
I do share a lot 😉 I hope that some of what I put out there lets others know that they’re not alone.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
Sometimes you just touch me so deep in my heart. I’m not sure if I know anyone as open and honest with the world as you.
Melissa Pezza recently posted…Pizza is Finally on the Atkins Diet Menu!
Thanks, Melissa <3
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
Oh yes, parenting is so hard and depression? There’s not even enough words to describe how hard it is to function as a parent with it. I’ve had it too…I feel you, I really do and I pray every day that the family and generational curse of depression in my family ends with me…forever. I’ve watched three of my six kids struggle with normal teen age depression and hope each time they turn to me, their dad, our Priest, before the ever hurt themselves.
Sharon recently posted…My Conversation With The Devil. Or…What Happened When I Went To Therapy
That is so hard. Lots of love to you <3
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
Beautiful post!
Thank you.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
Yes, all we can do IS pray. There are things that are beyond our control, and for that I am thankful! Leave it in God’s hands – worrying about it doesn’t help, though it’s hard not to!! Hugs!! <3
So hard!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
Dawn hit the nail on the head with this, you are by far the most open blogger I know! Thank you for that! Hopefully this helps someone dealing with the same issues 🙂 HUGS!!
Oh thanks, Ladies. I try to be transparent for everyone!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
Again, I applaud you for being so raw and brutally honest. Through that, others can connect with you. You have touched me with your courage.
Kelly Hutchinson recently posted…My Journey Living With A Child With Sensory Processing Disorder
<3
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
Depression is a scary battle. And one that is a never ending battle. once you think you have it beaten, it comes again. It is one you have to be ever vigilant against or else it can sneak up on you. We have it in my family genes. Chronic depression. It’s a hard battle to face. But the important part is to get help when needed. And I know that sounds easier than it is. Cause when you are in the throws of depression that is the last thing you want to do.
Amber Edwards recently posted…6 Bathtub Safety Tips for Babies & Kids
So true. <3
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
Depression is a kind of haze to most people that don’t fully know the traumatic effects. It’s one of those, unless you know – you don’t. It’s scary to be a parent, so many what if’s. You really hit the nail on the head with this post. Really.
Tammi @ My Organized Chaos recently posted…Crayola Virtual Products
Thanks, Tammi. It really is such a black pit.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
Depression is a scary thing. It runs through a lot of branches of our family tree, but luckily it hasn’t hit me. So, sure yours might also have depression, but they might NOT. Either way, you are there for them.
Chrysa recently posted…French Toast Muffin Recipe + 5 Ways to Keep Your Morning Running Smoothly
I hope they don’t get that part of me, for sure.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
I’ve never gone through depression, but have many friends who have. I love that you are so brutally honest, this will help so many people feel like they aren’t alone.
I hope so. Thank you!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
You can only keep watch and get your beautiful children help if they need it. You cannot blame yourself. You can only do your best
Patty recently posted…The Flavors of Aloha Cooking with Tommy Bahama – Cookbook Review
That I do everyday, for sure !
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
I am sure if you passed it on you will always be there for your girls as will your husband. It sounds like your struggles made you a strong woman.
Audrey M recently posted…Travel Resolution: 24 Hours NO Technology Challenge #AlamoDriveHappy
I know Dave will always be our rock- that is true.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
Wow, touching. I think we all struggle with depression at times. Some more than others. A lot of what we feel is just our thoughts and we need to learn to pull ourselves out of bad thoughts and habits.
Aubrey recently posted…Weekly Calendar Planner Printable
I think sadness, yes. But depression is more than bad thoughts… it’s debilitating.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
Very Raw! I guess I wasn’t quite prepared for that. I don’t honestly know what to say ..I’m a mom so I guess I’d just like to hug you. It seems your dealing well but if you need to talk I’m here and sometimes new friends become the best ones.
Laura (Lauras Little House Tips) recently posted…Egg Shell Planting-Perfect for Starting Plants
Didn’t mean to blindside you! I feel your hugs… mom hugs are the very best!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
Thank you for sharing your story. I married into a family that has depression and my biggest fear is that my kids will have it because their grandma and aunt have it.
kris s recently posted…Protect your car seats with Baby Mushroom {GIVEAWAY}
I know you will support them through anything… and if you ever need help, please know that I am here!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
Man depression is rough! I’ve experienced it after the birth of my two babies, and it’s no fun! Talking things out really helps!
Meagan recently posted…Weekly Calendar Planner Printable
PPD is terrible. I actually never had it, but I have friends who have, and I feel for them, deeply.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
I’ve suffered from depression in the past and am vigilant for it returning. It is a debilitating illness, but I am so grateful that I recognized the problem and went into treatment for it.
LauraOinAK recently posted…Starting My Day or Finding Time for Me with McCafé Coffee
I am so glad, too! <3
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
Depression is very critical and not so fun when having it. Sometimes if we focus on our problem so deep that it gives us depression. We should focus more of the things that make us happy. I know hubby has depression and feel sad that I cannot help 🙁
Jessica Cassidy recently posted…Intercepted By Love Part 3 book by Rachelle Ayala
When depression hits, nothing can “make” one happy. I wish for more peace for your husband. And for you, love. You cannot fix that part of him, but just be there- which I know you are <3
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
So much has to do with factors that you don’t even think about. For me it’s those dang hormones…… 🙂
harriet recently posted…Vera Bradley Weekend Only Extra Off Sale #DEALS
Hormones… damn us ladies and our emotions! 😉
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
I had postpartum depression after my 1st son was born. Definitely a hard time and no one understood.
Mama to 5 BLessings recently posted…Keep Your Medical Records With You At All Times With The FootprintID App
Oh mama. I”m so sorry to hear that <3
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
Depression is a nasty beast,….it really is. I am familiar with the black hole and I am sorry to hear about your struggles. Some days it is so hard to set the light of reality.
Ann BAcciaglia recently posted…BConnected is Coming Back!
It truly is.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
We always worry about what bad things our kids take from us. At least you are taking steps to acknowledge what could be and try to prevent it.
Maggie recently posted…It’s Friday, Have a Laugh!
I hope it’s enough!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
Thanks for sharing this! When I was a teenager, I tried a few times to commit suicide. After I ran away from home at 16, my life changed around completely by the good of other people who gave me a home to live in and helped me to see all there was to live for. I certainly hope I didn’t pass any of my negativity on to my children. My husband suffers from depression, but I found that my depression was circumstancial. As soon as I left the crap home I lived in and was out of my psychotic mother’s grasp, I discovered all there was to live for. With that said I do know the pain and anguish other people’s depression leaves on the ones you love. I’ve tried for a long time to “fix” my husband. But I can’t do anything for him except tell him I care and listen to him. Its hard on both ends.
Heather recently posted…Beat the April Showers Blues with Fun Indoor Activities
It really is hard on both ends- that is the truest statement. I wish you both much peace and love <3
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
Being a parent is definitely not easy. I always worry I am doing something wrong but, we can only do our best. Keep keeping on darling.
YOu too, mama!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
depression is no joke! it affects everyone involved. thank you for sharing.
It really does.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
Everything about this post is amazing. We all worry as parents, right? We worry that we passed on the hardest parts of ourselves to our babies. In the end, maybe we did. But we can teach them to cope, even thrive better than we did. I feel like that is our role!
That is so encouraging- yes- thank you for the light!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
I love this post and everything about it. I totally agree with what Meriden said. I have been there.
Amy @ Marvelous Mommy recently posted…Share Your DIY Posts | Create Link Inspire
<3
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
I love that you are so open in your posts. This is one topic that is no joke and shouldn’t be taken lightly.
Stefani Tolson recently posted…Tuna Noodle Casserole Recipe
So true.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
I’m so proud of you for sharing this! I love the video format as well. I know you and your children will be just fine. You are a great mama!
Sarah @ Must Have Mom recently posted…Win A Year Supply Of HUGGIES® Natural Care® wipes!
Thanks, mama!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
Thank you for sharing this post. It is deep and you are RIGHT: people who have not experienced depression are not able to understand it… in terms of passing this along to your children, I hope you find solace in some of the comments above encouraging you to take heart because since you have traveled the road, you are able to preempt a lot. Which leads me to prayers: that is the BEST and first line for me and it works. Wishing you well and keeping you and your precious little ones in prayers 🙂
Martine – MeUnfinished recently posted…Saving the “Tatas” – Breast exam: from skeptic to true believer
Thank you, Martine. I love these comments. I have more confidence in myself, that if my children are affected, I will be able to help them!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…
as a parent i too worry. so luck here to read your share.. thanks
I hope you find comfort.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A Cranston, RI…