Dear Erica,
I thought this would be easier.
I thought that this would happen naturally, as though your baby would wean from me, and be happy and healthy and she would know no different. And she doesn’t.
I thought that this would happen naturally, as though your baby would wean from me, and be happy and healthy and she would know no different. And she doesn’t.
I thought that my supply would dwindle and our transition would be seamless. And, it is. She’s thriving on formula and solids. My milk is just an apéritif at this point.
I thought that you would be here for it. I was so sure you would be.
I thought that you would be here for it. I was so sure you would be.
And so it isn’t easy. It feels like nothing is, sometimes.
Erica, the plain truth is… I miss you. I miss your comments on shared photos. I miss you emailing me little details of motherhood that I’d never even thought of. I miss your wisdom. I miss your input on milestones. I miss you.
I miss you.
And whatever I’ve done isn’t enough. It won’t be enough- because it’s not you. I cannot be you. I want to be you, or I want you to walk in the front door. I want you to see that you were sick, but now you are well. I want them to see that you taught me.
Taught me to be giving and forgiving. You taught me to give more of myself than I thought was there.
I miss you.
I miss all of you and reading between the lines of everything that you said.
I sat with your parents the other day- in the quiet night, in the kitchen you welcomed me in may times- and they retold stories I’ve heard before and want to hear again and again. Of you and your glory and how you started it all at 13. At the age when you were supposed to be an out-of-control teenager, you were actually raising money for people who had nothing. You were, at the tender age when so many girls turn inward to themselves, looking outward, taking care of others. And you never stopped.
I am sorry that I can’t give more, but my body is done. I feel like it is rebelling.
I’ve fed Ella for 8 months, and I fold.
I’ve fed Ella for 8 months, and I fold.
I. Fold.
I love you.
I love Josh.
And Cade.
And Ella. God, do I love her. She looks just like your dad. And Cade is your twin. Looking at them makes my heart ache and soar at the same time.
I love Josh.
And Cade.
And Ella. God, do I love her. She looks just like your dad. And Cade is your twin. Looking at them makes my heart ache and soar at the same time.
I love you. I love you. Oh Erica. I love you so much. But my body can’t do it anymore. I am empty and numb. I’ve lost me… searching for… retaining you.
I miss you.
I love you
Erica Shea, you are my goddess.
Ella Shea, I am forever your Milk Mama.
Body. Be fulfilled. You’ve given so much life… please, live your own.
such a beautiful tribute to such a wonderful woman! I am amazed every day at how much strength you have had to nurse your own sweet Millie and pump for sweet Ella, while being a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I love your giving heart. Erica would be so proud of all that you have accomplished! Job well done mama!
<3
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…I am, forever, your Milk Mama.
Chelley, I know how hard this is for you. You have given all that you have and all that you are for Erica and her precious family. I know that she would love you for all of it. I also know that Erica would insist that you take care of yourself. You are wonderful.
Love you and miss you! Will come in when we get back <3
I formula fed from day one and until I knew you, I had no idea milk could even be donated. What a cool thing you did.
Thank you, mama!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…I am, forever, your Milk Mama.
What a wonderful letter and your love shines through it. While you may not be able to measure love in milk, it’s what you did that shows your loves.
Amanda || Growing Up Madison recently posted…Tips for Celebrating the New Year with Family
I just wish I could have done more.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…I am, forever, your Milk Mama.
Very interesting and heartfelt post. I wish I knew more about the backstory. I’ll have to read some of your other posts to find out more.
Theresa recently posted…5 Tips for a Quick Holiday Meal
Thank you. I have been donating my breast milk to my friend’s daughter. My friend passed a few months after her daughter’s birth from breast cancer she was diagnosed with in pregnancy.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…I am, forever, your Milk Mama.
You are such a giving soul and what you’ve done is a beautiful thing. It’s ok to step back and be done!
Liz Mays recently posted…There’s Nothing Cuter than Jellybean Toes
Thank you, Liz. I have been asking others for their permission, because I am unable to give it to myself.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…I am, forever, your Milk Mama.
Very beautiful. I was able to donate quite a bit of my milk to two other babies as well.
Heather Johnson recently posted…Festival of Lights: Wordless Wednesday
That is awesome!!!!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…I am, forever, your Milk Mama.
What a touching and beautiful ode, not to mention altruistic thing to do ?
Thank you!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…I am, forever, your Milk Mama.
What a touching and beautiful ode, plus altruistic thing to do ?
I had no clue milk could even be donated. What a sweet and touching letter.
Chastity recently posted…Follow Your Dreams
Thank you.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…I am, forever, your Milk Mama.
I’ve donate breastmilk to a few mamas now. Most recently to a friend’s baby since she had to stop nursing due to chemo. My baby is six months old now & my body doesn’t respond as well to a pump. It’s devastating to have to stop, but at least we got her baby to a year!
Farrah recently posted…Keep Your Child Safe with Not Your Child Wearable GPS Device + Giveaway!
That is awesome, Farrah! Cancer is the Devil- that’s what took Erica from her babies. I wish I could have gotten Ella to a year, but I just can’t keep going. I think after 15 months of pumping, my body says no more.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…I am, forever, your Milk Mama.