Sometimes parenting sucks. Not the waking up in the middle of the night, or the food that gets hurled onto your new white shirt. Who really cares about a scuff on those $50 Striderite shoes or the fact that someone cut their own hair with the kid-friendly scissors?
The most awful of times is when we can’t fix it.
It is that thing that you knew was there, or the times you knew would come. Those moments of 2am sickness, fevers that won’t break, flushed cheeks, or in our case, brief spells of total blackouts. Those moments in life where the cliché, why can’t it be me, becomes alarmingly appropriate. I wish I could sacrifice myself. The bedtime routine of her body all arched up in bed and snoring- her throat drying out as she gently falls asleep… and when I want to cry… a big, ugly cry. But she just wraps a sweaty little arm around me in her stupor, I breathe her in, and I can’t help but fall madly in love with that little being. I wish I could fix it.
Our perfect beings somehow become injured, no less perfect, but more vulnerable… making us, as their guardians, more exposed than we knew we could be. Our little hearts walking outside our bodies left helpless for moments we can’t even track, with ailments we cannot heal. We wait for the phone call from some staff member that says, No worries, Mrs. Martinka, she’s just being a toddler. Instead my phone rings and the sweet voice of a doctor comes on.
Oh shit.
It’s all I can think, and as they tell me exactly what I knew and never wanted to hear, I’m dying inside. A piece of my heart is marching around the room in her colorful cloth diaper laughing, and the part of my heart that is stuck in me is screaming- simultaneously stopping and racing at the same time.
You know what I am saying to myself as I choke back tears and gather the important information is every curse ever spoken. I’m getting names and numbers, and big words I’ll later look up on Google. The heat in my face is rising and I can feel my unborn kicking me from the inside. Just stay in there, Millie. I can’t keep you safe out here. A piece of my heart is breaking, and yet the silliest part of me is right there, running around, happy and perfect as the day she was born.
The moments of gasping. Blackouts. They have a reason. A cause. And I didn’t want to hear what I already knew.
And I hate it.
It’s another unknown. It’s reliving her diagnosis all over again without the acceptance that it will all be ok… not knowing what is ahead for us and longing for the ignorance that’s kept me company for the past 26 months.
As I hang up the phone, and make another appointment, send another update in an email, request another referral and get another approval code, the routine is different. This isn’t preventative, this is proactive. This is taking the next step. This is fear and hurt and wonder. And I crash my face into the pillow and scream, hot tears saturating the fabric beneath my eyes. Does it mean surgery? It means the possibility…
Because this is what parenting is, some days. And some days I don’t know if I can do it. But it’s possible that I can.
This warrior keeps me strong. She keeps me brave. She’s taught me more about living than I’ve taught her at all… and she’s only 2. This kid knows that happiness doesn’t come from money or things, it’s not all about the places we go and the people we meet. There are days that happiness is a good bite of avocado, kisses from the puppy, splashing in the bathtub, or seeing mama after a procedure. Happiness is what we make it, and this life we get- we sure as hell better live.
So here’s to us. Mamas, papas, guardians. Warriors.
My heart breaks for you. Thanks for sharing. At least we can virtually hug you and you little princess. You walk the unknown path as a pioneer for all of us who may have to follow.
Thank you for your love and support. These times are scary for me, for sure, but I know there have been those who have walked before me and those who will come after- it’s the love and support that guides us all.
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Huge hugs! I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but you definitley have support when you need it 🙂
Thank you!
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Big hugs sent your way. Stay strong for yourself and your little girl.
Dee @ Cocktails with Mom recently posted…Simple Summer Fun Activity Ideas for Kids
Thank you, Dee. I am held up by her… she’s amazing.
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The moments we can’t fix and make better are so hard, aren’t they. Hugs to you and your baby.
Jenn @ The Rebel Chick recently posted…K1 Speed Indoor Racing Comes to Miami
They really are!
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Oh wow, that is beautifully written, I see how much heart and soul is poured out into this and your daughter being her mother. I don’t know what is going on, but I pray for healing. She’s beautiful and so lucky to have a dedicated mother as yourself. Thank you for sharing part of your journey with us.
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Thank you, Heather. We will have answers soon, I hope.
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I am sorry you did not get the news you would have liked. Thank you again for sharing your story. Addie has an army of the best doctors on earth looking out for her, and your family has an army of readers ready to provide support. All the best to you.
Thank you so much, Eli. <3
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Dearest Chelley…
There are no words. Just know that you have an army of women throughout this state and country wide who are supporting you every step of the way.
love love love,
Jess
Thank you my love <3 I have some of the best women to grace this Earth behind me, and I know how blessed I am for that, without a doubt.
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My heart goes out to you . I was were you are now in January when my youngest started having seizures. It took us several long months to finally get the results of so many tests it is epilepsy but knowing the fact that our doctor was just as scared as we were freaked me out a little bit. So I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Melissa recently posted…Proud To Be A Railhawks Fan
And I will keep you in mine <3
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Stay strong. As a parent, I can totally relate to this story. We want to see our kids happy and healthy, and in those moments that are way out of our control, it hurts us and breaks our heart. We want to magically fix everything and even though we can’t always do that, we have to stay strong for our families and pray for the best! Thinking of you during these times!
Brittany C. @ Mom. Wife. Busy Life. recently posted…Gym Bag Essentials: Top 10 Gym Bag Must-Haves #FreshNaturally
Yes we do. I am staying strong… but only because I know I have strength from my little love 🙂
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Praying for your family!!
Thank you, Janeen!
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I am sorry your Daughter is having to go through this. She is lucky to have a strong Mom like you, who is willing to do what needs to be done. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.
Carlee C recently posted…Date Night Movie, Transformers: AGE OF EXTINCTION This Friday! #TransformersMovie
And I am so blessed to have her, too! Thank you for your thoughts- it means a lot to myself and family.
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Wait until she discovers she can color her own hair with Kool-Aid. Ours found out from a friend this year and ‘surprised’ us…
Scott recently posted…Major-league Anti-perspirant
… we just have to get through the toddler years, first.
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Your daughter is so lucky to have you support her. Stay strong!
Elizabeth @ Being MVP recently posted…Made With Love Imprints | One-Of-A-Kind Keepsake + #Giveaway
Trying! Thanks, mama!
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Oh Mercy. These are the times the internet is hollow, I just want to hug you and whisper so many of us will be praying and praying hard!
Laura (Lauras Little House Tips) recently posted…How To Feed A Busy Family
Thank you so much, Laura.
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Beautifully written, Chelley! Wishing you strength and courage as you face this tough time. Stay positive!
Thank you, Lori! I will be pulling strength from so many who have sent us love. <3
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“This warrior keeps me strong.” Beautifully put, and so true!
Stacey – Seattle Mom Blog recently posted…Stemilt Cherries: Summer Sweepstakes and Twitter Party #CherrySweet
Indeed, it is.
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Sending Prayers. I am grateful my grand daughter Vivian has only had the ENT issues at this point.
That is truly blessed. We only had ENT up until this point, and I fear what lies ahead.
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I’m so sorry. I will keep you in my prayers.
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Thank you, Ellen.
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You are amazing and strong, as is Addie. I will pray for your guys! xoxox
Yes she is! Thank you, Michelle.
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I am so very sorry. Sending lots of love.
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Thank you, Kristin!
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So beautifully written. it is hard going through anything when your child has so many trials ahead of them because of how they developed differently from other children. You have our support. Stay strong.
Amber Edwards recently posted…Berry Tartlet Recipe; Perfect Summer dessert with fresh fruit!
It is hard- but all the love and support around us is so amazing and uplifting.
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As a mom of an 11 year child with achondroplasia, please don’t think I’m being glib…It’s ALL so gut/heart wrenching…but, something my mother always told ME… “This, too, shall pass.” It may not seem like much but it’s imminent…good imminent! Love you guys to the moon…and back…my heart follows your travels and squeezes with angst when I read your pain. I wish I could help you through, but, unfortunately, as moms of LP’s … we ALL earn our own stripes. You are always in my prayers, Chelley, Addie, and Dave…You too, Millie Martinka… <3
Thank you, Mikki! We have been blessed that nothing has really been gut wrenching in our 2 years, just minor things… and the idea of 2 more surgeries in such a short time is so overwhelming. Time for some stripes, for sure!
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Thanks so much for sharing your story; as a mother, I can’t even imagine all of that heartbreak! Good vibes being sent your way!
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Thank you, Meagan!
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What a great post, tears!! I agree, most is good but we seem to be overwhelmed sometimes by the bad. Great message here, one I think we all understand!
Tammi @ My Organized Chaos recently posted…A Summer of Frozen Fun at Walt Disney World
Thank you!
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I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It makes me appreciate the moments with my little munchkin.
April recently posted…How to Live the Beach Lifestyle with Natural Ingredients
Celebrate it all- that’s what we do. I know she will be OK- she’s tough- but remembering it’s all so fleeting is important, too!
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We don’t have any kids at the moment. I can only imagine what you are going through, as a mother who loves her daughter and wants to protect her. I pray that the doctors can get her better and for strength for you. To read this post and hear the love and passion you have for your daughter is so sweet. You are right, those moments like this make it really hard!
Kelsey Apley recently posted…Establishing A Skin Care Routine
These moments do, but all the others… that’s what makes this whole ride so worth it!
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You and your beautiful daughter will be in my thoughts. I hope the doctors can fix, or at least mitigate, whatever this problem is. Stay strong!
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Thank you, Jennifer! We hope so, too!
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Hugs mama, I am so sorry. I have been there. I hope they find out what is happening soon. I pray the God gives you peace.
Mama to 5 BLessings recently posted…How To Prevent & Treat Sunburns
Thank you so much. I appreciate all the love and prayers sent to our sweet babe.
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I am so sorry that you’re going through this. Having an ill child is something no parent should have to go through.
Thankfully, she’s still her same happy, upbeat self. I don’t know where she gets her strength!
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I am sorry to hear you got bad news. That is something no one should have to go through
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So true. Sometimes life just hands us an unfavorable hand, for sure.
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This piece was beautifully written and so touching. I ached for you as you listened to what you didn’t want to hear but knew you’d be hearing. Hugs and hugs!
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Thank you, Liz! We love hugs around here 🙂 Best medicine!
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Wow, so beautifully written… I can’t imagine what you are going through but all I can say is that you and yours are in my thoughts and prayers
Thank you, Shauna!
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Hugs and support coming your way. I am praying so hard for your continued strength. You are a great mommy!
Sarah @ Must Have Mom recently posted…Have Fun With Colors! Fun Ways To Teach Kids About Colors
Thank you, Sarah!!
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12 years ago I had “that” phone call. My knees went weak as I listened to my daughters neurologist explain to me that the sweet arching of her back she had been doing was confirmed on MRI that she needed surgery. I had thought it was her sweet way of reaching for me to pick her up. Little did I know it was a classic symptom of spinal stenosis, I didn’t even know that was a thing. Now she is a 13 year old precious girl who has tons of friends, plays softball, and has 100’s of followers on Instagram (still learning all about that)
All that to say, while it isn’t an easy road we’ve been given to travel, it is not one we are walking alone. Prayers to you and your girls!!
Lisa, that is such an amazing story! Thank you for sharing. Your daughter is an amazing testament to how strong and capable our kids are (even when we think we aren’t!).
Thank you for the prayers <3
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