When I was a kid, I could not wait.
“I cannot wait until I grow up…”
I was going to rule the world. I’d be a flight attendant and the pilot. I was going to be a doctor and a vet. I was going to play for the Philadelphia Flyers. I was going to the Olympics for gymnastics. I was going to sing in a band on tour. I was going to own a farm. I was going to cure cancer. When I was a kid.
I cannot wait to grow up was a common phrase in our house. But really, what did being an adult mean? What did my parents hide?
As I approach 31 with 2 kids in a new house with all sorts of quirks, I am learning there is no age where you get to do whatever you want. Doing whatever you want is selfish anyways, so who cares? But really, adulting is hard. It is hard as fuck.
It’s fighting with a plumber, regulating the insulation in the attic, driving people everywhere they need to be, making sure the leaves aren’t in the neighbors’ yards, maintaining the cars, making time for your relationships, hoping your marriage is working, being the best parent you can be according to some app on your phone, hoping there is money for something- anything- that isn’t a necessity, smiling when your kids see you- even if you wish there were 5 more minutes left of school or naptime… then regretting you ever felt that way.
Shit goes down on the daily. Even something as minor as a tooth can destroy your day. Those things tear apart the gums of your child’s mouth with such a vengeance, you cannot help but cave in and rock and nurse them until the tears glue their eyes closed in a fitful sleep.
But being an adult. Truly adulting is also admitting that at 31, many of your friends will already have passed. Their children will be one parent less. Their parents will bury their child. This is not how it’s supposed to work.
It’s real. It is so fucking real.
And I am so raw.
On the same day we celebrate the first passing birthday of a friend who has just passed, we also bury a friend who has gone on, as well. To celebrate a life no longer here, with life we have to say goodbye to. To give it all up in the emotions department,
That is today. That is what being an adult means today. And it sucks. When I grow up, I cannot wait… for time to slow down. I think. Or speed up. Or maybe I’m just done waiting and need to live. I don’t know, except I cannot wait for today to be over.