It’s what no one talks about, what no one admits to and what so many moms suffer from in silence.
I had normal postpartum blues after having Elijah, I also had some sadness after weaning him around 8 months, but I never had any postpartum depression after having him.
I had trouble getting excited when first finding out I was pregnant with Lorelei beside she was not planned. After I had her it was such a nonstop whirlwind of appointments and tests and so much worry and concern I never felt that instant in love, obsessed feeling that I had with Elijah. I love her with everything inside of me, I just feel like I haven’t bonded with her like I want to.
Around a month ago it finally hit me, I think I have postpartum depression. Something that no one wants to admit.
I was so sleep deprived and emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. I was crying over everything and nothing. I’d forget to shower for days or forget if I had brushed my teeth. I was never hungry, so I just didn’t eat. I finally admitted it to myself and to my husband. I have postpartum depression and I think I need help.
Two weeks ago I started seeing a therapist and once I said out loud all of the things I had been feeling I realized just how far I had let it get.
We came up with a plan, try and sleep 2 nights of 4 hour blocks of sleep in a week and try and eat breakfast every morning. So even when I’m not hungry, I make myself a protein shake and I try and go to sleep when the kids go to bed on my nights off.
I also hired someone to clean the house. I felt guilty for doing that, like I should be able to clean my own house, but I let those feelings go and I allowed myself to hire someone. They came today for the first time and I took the kids out to play while the house was getting cleaned. We came home and the house looked and smelled so clean. I was able to spend the day with kids and not feel like I “should be” doing something else . I was so relaxed and it feels so good to have our house organized and clean.
There is hope.
I can handle this postpartum depression and move past it, I WILL come out a stronger woman and a better mother.
Postpartum depression is not something any woman should be ashamed of, as a society we need to be more supportive of moms and as women we need to be more supportive of each other. Being a mom is hard, being a mom of two is tougher than I expected and being a mom to a preemie with medical issues and who doesn’t sleep is the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever had to do but I can do this.
My kids deserve me at my best and I will get there. I don’t want them to see me sad or unmotivated.
Admitting something needs to change is the first step, taking steps to make the change is the second step.
I can do this and if you are going through it, you can too.
Guest post by Emily Torres.
Rhode Island mama to two, she shares her relatable piece about postpartum depression in hopes of helping another mother and family through their own difficult time.