Mary*, just start. I am listening and if talking about it is helping, write it all down. This is what I have heard. The day you decided you wanted a baby… the day you stopped taking your pill. How exciting those first few months were. But then your period kept coming. Suddenly it seemed everyone around you was having a baby or announcing their pregnancy. Thirty loomed, it came and went. And you’ve reached a breaking point.How a year of trying seems like eternity, and living through eternity is like a sentence of purgatory. Your marriage is less of something you enjoy together, your intimacy changing each cycle that passes. Now, more and more it’s a schedule of when to have intercourse and in what position to best make a baby.
How all you want is that baby. Sleepless nights and engorged breasts and all the things that your friends lament.That you cannot do this alone, because you cannot tell anyone about your pain. Because you’re not ready. But you wish they knew how badly you hurt. How you both love them and need to distance from them.
Please, write it all down.
And so she did.
Eight years ago, after we had been dating for a few months….we talked marriage, we talked babies. It was how I knew he was the one. After 6 years we got engaged, and just 14 months later we were married. We both knew we wanted to wait until we were married before we had children, but soon after our wedding I stopped birth control and we were officially trying.
The first few months were wonderful! The excitement that something I had always wanted, was now a sweet reality. Those first few months I figured it was just taking some time. Not everyone gets pregnant when their partner sneezes. I knew that it would happen eventually and nothing could ruin my ethereal feeling. I was just so friggin’ excited to finally have pregnancy and motherhood as a reality.
After having my period for a few months, and endless negative pregnancy tests, my mindset started to change. My happiness and excitement was replaced with fear and anxiety. I started to feel very angry with anything and everything; crying for what seemed like no reason. And since then it’s just been month after month of getting my period and negative pregnancy tests.
There’s constant reminders that I’m not pregnant.
Pregnancy being announced
Babies being born
And it HURTS.
I can’t help but feel a little angry and upset with these people, even though they’ve done nothing wrong. I feel like when I see one of those announcements that I need to shut the world out for a while. Completely shut down and block everyone out. Why are they doing this to me? But in reality that’s just hurting me more.
If I could just reach out and ask for support, from the right people, maybe I wouldn’t cry so much. But right now, I can’t. I am not ready to do it. I’m not ready for the endless questions.But I can tell you, I am sick of hearing WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE A BABY?: An anonymous story of infertility. Click To Tweet
It’s embarrassing to admit, but one of these days, I’m liable to snap on the wrong person. And the comments about “just relax, it’ll happen” from people who have NO CLUE what I’m experiencing.
I DID RELAX.
WE WERE HAVING FUN.
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN.
I know stress doesn’t help and trust that if I could flip a switch to shut it all off, I would have 6 months ago when I started to go downhill. Six months after we started trying to make a baby.
I’ve hit a breaking point that I am so beyond ready for this. Have you ever just needed something to happen? That’s what I need. Now.
I’ve been told that they wont begin to investigate any possible medical causes of not conceiving until after we have tried for a year. But, at one month shy of a year of infertility, I want this reality to come true. I need it. In fact, I needed it yesterday.
*Name has been changed.