I recently had one of those moments… and then this morning an epiphany (or at least I’m trying to).
When everything in life piles up and hard decisions are forced to be made- ones that you can’t come back to later, or change your mind in a few years- nights get filled with less sleep and more anxiety. Some parts of my life make me think why me? . Maybe I was a monster in my last life… I feel inundated by Life. I don’t get it. I literally feel like I never get a break. I just want to know what it is like to not struggle, to not fear the mail, or the rising of the sun indicating another day. I want to know what it is like to have nothing to do, no one to call.
I take on more projects. More work. I try to distract myself from being alone with my thoughts- alone in my head. That’s the most dangerous place to be. It leads to fantasies about my Dad still being alive, and how I would never have moved to Rhode Island… or left private school, or probably even gotten tattoos (which I don’t regret, but I really don’t need anymore indicators pointing to me as the black sheep of the family).
I love my family, and everything has a way of coming together, but coming together doesn’t always mean the way we expected. I never expected Addie to have a form of dwarfism. It’s taken a lot of time and energy to learn about it myself, as well as educate others. There are daily reminders from strangers that she looks different, and she’s not even a year and a half. I want to be a good example, so I smile at everyone who has an opinion, but there are those feelings of fire and burning that rise up in me. That push my emotions to a limit only Addie’s sweet face can pull me back from. Perhaps it’s because we are always somewhere (the zoo, the mall, The YMCA, the many local parks and beaches, food shopping, window shopping…)- it’s rare we spend a whole day inside- that Addie has more exposure to people and thus more opportunities arise for people to see a difference.
Life is unexpected for everyone- expecting things is just a recipe for disappointment and expectations that are not always inline with reality- and Life truly gave me a break. I have a child that eats anything, sleeps though the night, has advanced verbal skills (regardless of the fact that she had limited hearing for the first 10 months of her life), she loves taking baths and playing in the pool, she doesn’t mind sharing (yet), and her snuggles are the best I’ve ever experienced.
Our little family has been discussing a difficult decision. But it’s not the end of the world… and I know we are strong enough to tackle anything. Now to make my heart believe what my head already knows, and show this pity party the door.