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I sat at my computer. Days in a row. Trying to write about marriage. My marriage. Usually I can write so much, but I just keep taking myself through years of photos. Of Dave and I when we first started dating. When we moved in together. When we bought the house and rescued Carter. Of our wedding somewhere in between. I think about friendships we’ve made and lost, and how marriage truly has been him to my family and me to his.

aisforadelaide 52weeksa4a marriage wedding day

Marriage has been a true test of my commitment to communication and backing down. Chelley, the well-known firecracker, taking a respite from that life and learning to just shut-up sometimes. I’ve learned that walking away isn’t always a bad thing and that it’s not giving in or even compromise, it’s realizing that someone else being happy makes you happier than winning.

We have a few unwritten rules in our marriage, things we’ve just never done- and I hope never do… blasting each other on social media, sharing news with other people first, to name a few. Remaining open with each other, when we do something that breaks the trust or hurts the feelings of the other, we are not silent. In an argument, we do not dredge the bottom of our past to bring old issues to surface. And, most important for me, when we make each other happy- we give thanks.

Never stop thanking… I hold onto that.

As I look into our relationship, I see the patience Dave has with me. The guy who once owned a music store and biked to work had traded in late nights and east coast tours for two kids, a dog, a house, the suburbs and a stay at home wife.

I sat at my computer. Days in a row. Trying to write about marriage. My marriage. Usually I can write so much, but I just keep taking myself through years of photos. Of Dave and I when we first started dating. When we moved in together. When we bought the house and recused Carter. Of our wedding somewhere in between. I think about friendships we've made and lost, and how marriage truly has been him to my family and me to his.

There’s a fact of parenthood to a child with a difference, that it gets hard. The marriage suffers… and it brings me to the week of Addie’s diagnosis.

I had gotten Dave two tickets to Aziz Ansari up in Boston post-birth, so he could have a night away. I was jealous he was going- we both love Ansari’s comedy- but Dave, instead, sold them. He wasn’t ready for a night away, he said. A few weeks later, a fever would not break, and with a lethargic newborn, previously written a script for a bone scan and the doctor’s worry of hydrocephalus, we were told to head into the ER.  I hurriedly packed my pump, extra clothes for Addie and a water bottle. I steadied my walk as I carried my sleeping newborn to the car, loaded her in and drove through the summer heat to Hasbro Children’s Hospital. I checked Addie in at the desk and texted Dave to ask how the event was… see, he went to a friend’s business opening party for a beer, and I didn’t want to ruin his one time out. He texted back that he was leaving soon. “Ok. Call me when you do :)” I typed back. I was shaking. The day was hot, but my body had lost all heat. And then he called. Addie was huddled into me as I answered. He asked what we were up to and I slowly asked him to meet me at the hospital. He sped like a demon. When he arrived he asked why I hadn’t said anything, why I didn’t tell him sooner… and all I could think was that I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to ruin his night out. As we both held onto Addie, unsure of what was ahead, I think we both came to realize that we were willing to shoulder the world for the other one- even if just long enough for a beer.

Since then, there’s been late nights with the kids, pregnancy pain (and weight), surgeries and hospital stays. Dave took a job 50 miles away and never complains about the journey. Or that fact that we eat, almost literally, his entire paycheck. His smile rarely fades… even through the early days, my rock to this severe roll doesn’t seem to falter. Our marriage has pulled through no less than 3 manic episodes and countless hormonally-driven tears, but depression nor illness has turned him away. I guess I could sum it up by admitting I don’t know the future and I don’t have all the answers, but I’m grateful, thankful, blessed and still in love with the guy I met 12 years ago, the man he’s become and the father he surprised me by being.


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Comments

  1. I wish I could share my thoughts in English correctly but I can’t so….I’ll write it in French: Merci Chelley pour tes beaux mots, les mots justes. Tu as une façon unique de partager des événements de la vie que nous vivons tous un peu aussi, Merci pour ça! J’espère avoir l’occasion de te rencontrer un jour!

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  2. The love you have for him truly comes across in your words. I don’ t know either of you in real life (yet), but from what I read here and all the other stuff along the way – it sounds like you two are absolutely perfect for each other.

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  7. Dave is everything a good guy should be. I grew up in the south where we open the door, pull out the chair, and carry what weight we can. The fact that he is willing to drop everything for you and your daughter is a testament to the fact that he knows a real man isn’t machismo and being a forever kid. It’s stepping up. It’s sacrificing. It’s putting the needs of your wife and your children above your own needs. Don’t mistake that I’m saying he has to carry all the weight. I’m just saying that in the 16 years I’ve lived in the Chicago area, I’ve seen far too much selfishness and far too little selflessness. Go Dave! Go all of you. You guys are really a testament to what family is all about.

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  11. Man. So true, isn’t it? Learning when to back down and shut up. I am too quick to say things (mainly without thinking) but I love how my other half is so much more different than me. We do need to commuicate a bit better though. Workin’ on it!

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  20. That is what a relationship should be built upon. I know that my wife and i have know each other 20 years, and we would do anything and everything for each other at any time.

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  23. Thank you for sharing this with us. I love your words and how beautifully they are written with love and sincerity. I also love this challenge. I look forward to following it from week to week.
    Nicole recently posted…The Year of MEMy Profile

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  26. Before I met my husband, I imagined that marriage was some endless line of date nights and hand holding and romantic trips. However, over the 11 years that we’ve known one another and the 4.5 years we’ve been married, he has shown me that real love has nothing to do with the romantic cliches that I once imagined–and I am SO thankful for everything he’s done. It sounds like you and your husband support one another no matter what, and that’s an incredibly important part of any marriage!
    Natalie recently posted…The Importance of Home: the Other Side of Travel BloggingMy Profile

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  33. This is a beautiful piece and a great way to express gratitude for the man you married twelve years ago. I hope Addie is doing better and I wish you many, many more years of wedded bliss. 😉

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  41. Chel that was my favorite piece from you. I am so fortunate to have known the very young Chelley and the beautiful blossoming soul you have become. So honored.

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