Loss in motherhood is much different than when you’re a child. I know this because I had a lot of loss as a child, from my brother to my teenage cousin, my grandfather, uncle, and the biggest blow, my father, when I was 13. But when they died, I got to feel it.
I got to cry in a corner, call out of school and or work, throw stuff. Literally. I picked things up and threw them. Shoes, a vase. I was angry. And I wasn’t a mom. I could act like an animal in my mother’s home, revel in my own sorrow, drown in my sadness. It was my right- I was grieving.
I broke a lot of things in my wake of grief- like my closet doors. Those damn closet doors. They haunt me now as an adult. I broke them half a dozen times when my Dad died. But my uncle was there and he fixed them. My Uncle Ted, who just passed.
I’ve lost people in my adult years, too. My God Father and grandmother, the last grand parent I had, both passed before I had children… I got to feel those, too. But since my daughters were born… everyone has been OK. And it was supposed to stay that way, but April is the cruelest month.
While we celebrate marriage (my sister and brother-in-law) and the birth of our sweet Adelaide, somehow death does not escape us. The man who I believed hung the moon is now gone, 17 years today… and the first man who would never give up on me is now gone, too.
I didn’t get to say goodbye. Because I’m really no good at goodbyes. I am not good at letting go… I once thought if I told my Dad we would all be OK, that he would stay just to make sure. But he didn’t. He took his last breath on the tail of my voicing it’s ok to let go, and that was it. I don’t say goodbye well.
I got to see Ted a year ago… my goodbye was a wonderful family dinner, my uncle getting to hear that the growing belly in front of him was Camille Thea– for Theodore. That was goodbye. Goodbye wasn’t seeing him when he was no longer himself- that’s just seeing someone at the end.
Losing someone when you’re a mom is quite different. Motherhood changes the parameters of grief. The confines of your tantrums become the shower walls in which you kneel to cry. The pillow that takes the tears, silently falling from your eyes. You don’t get to break down and throw things… and man, I want to throw things. I want to create the destruction on the outside to mimic the turmoil that’s on the inside. I want to break a closet door.
But you don’t get to do that when you’re a mom. And Ted would have reminded me, this isn’t about me. This isn’t about anyone. This is life- the cycle of it, at least. And people are meant to be there for just as long as they are.
In this life, I’ve made 2 daughters- so I don’t get to throw things, I don’t get to lose it. There are small spaces for things like that in motherhood. And those small spaces are filled. The large spaces, for the living, those are what Ted wanted. So I wrote it down on a piece of paper- how many times I wanted to let go. How unfair it is. And I threw it away.
I wrote this for Ted to be read, by my mother, at his memorial service, which happened to be on Friday (Addie’s birthday). I hope you have a man like my uncle in your life.
There are a lot of you who know a lot about Ted. Or Uncle Ted, as I knew him. A military man who worked as hard at everything as most get to at one thing in life. A father, a husband, a family man.
A family man.
The uncle I knew, once stayed after the passing of my father for weeks beyond his initial booked flights- from the west to the east coast-because he needed to. For my mother, for his passed brother in law, for me. I can never forget that. The anger I spewed 17 years ago, almost to the date, to a man who came less than 24 hours after he was called.
And he held us together, so much so that I continued to thank him- even last summer- for putting my closet doors back on the track I’d kicked them off of repeatedly. I can’t say he even remembered those closet doors, but to me, they signified the first person after my Dad that wouldn’t give up on me.
He lives on in his great niece, my daughter, Camille Thea. She, in fact, looks just like me- who looks just like Ted’s sister, my mother, Susan.
And so we all come back to Ted.
You know a lot about Ted, but I’ll bet you didn’t know he once silently, without praise or thanks, saved the sanity of a whole family. As I bounce my sweet baby, newly minted with a single tooth, she reminds me that new life blossoms where the lives we never thought we’d lose have gone. He lives on. In love. Always.
Hugs. It isn’t fair, none of it is. Your grace and strength through it all are reminders of the lessons you learned and the lives that have shaped who you are. Love you!
Love you! Please get better so we can go running and then undo it with wine!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…Loss and Motherhood
Chelley, I’m so sorry to hear of your tremendous loss. You are so right about having to conceal our emotions for our children. When my Papa died last June, I was super pregnant with Coby. He was born early two weeks later….and I had to keep it together for Chloe and Cooper. It was the first time I had to deal with loss as a mom and it was so hard to not cry and worry them. I shed some tears in front of them, but not the kind I would have had I not been a mom. Sometimes I would cry when using the bathroom or in my car. And it was tough. It’s so much tougher to deal with when you can’t let go. Your Uncle Ted sounds so special. It’s nice you have such wonderful memories to share with your sweet girls. xo
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So true- the tears change. Not that we want them to, but they have to… I feel like. I’m so sorry for all the stress on you, as well. Lots of love <3
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…Loss and Motherhood
I’m not really sure that not allowing your kids in on it, or changing your grief expressions is necessarily protecting your kids. When we lost our daughter, we had no choice but to let them in, expose them to nights of me screaming, questioning God openly, throwing baby things, ranting, cursing, and then breaking down completely. They witnessed my husband retreat, support, become short tempered, fight against my emotions with his, cry… But… They saw us cling to each other, love eachother, encourage, overcome, and somehow create a new life out of a devastation. Yes. You are a mom. But, you owe it to your children to show them that it is Okay to not always be okay. Sometimes, mommy needs space. Sometimes, mom needs a picture colored. Sometimes, mom needs hugs. Let them serve you, witness your overcomings, and learn that death isn’t the end of a relationship. It’s Okay to grieve. Its important to grieve openly.
I would love to know more… did your kids respond OK? Do you mind sharing their ages? I feel like my 3 year old would be scared… and my 7 month old needs me to comfort her- I feel selfish taking that time from them. I remember when my Dad passed, I saw my mother cry and be upset, but I never saw her out of control… part of me is grateful for that because I was so insane, part of me feels immense guilt for taking all the crazy outbursts as my own.
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Your Uncle Ted sounded like an amazing man and he looked so kind too. I’m sure he is watching over you now and guiding you along. Hugs to you and blessings from Ireland.
He was an amazing man. Thank you!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
thank you for sharing your loss. I am so sorry to hear about that 🙁 I haven’t experienced much loss and not with having kids. I am not sure what I would do.
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It was hard… but I have wonderful support around me.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
This was such a powerful read. I’m literally in tears right now. It always hurts to lose someone, but hurting that much over losing a loved one just shows how incredibly important the were to our lives. Big hugs and big love to you and yours.
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Thank you so much, Dawn <3
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
You have experienced loss way too much when you were younger.. I know that a loss to kids are more devasting then to an adult, even though that loss is huge to them as well. We lost my mother in law 6 years ago, and to this day my kids cry about her loss. its never easy but we must stay strong for them, and it sounds like you are.
So hard for all. I hate hearing how much kids hold onto death… and realizing, that’s me. I still hold onto all that loss from childhood.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
Loss is hard. And, it seems to get harder the older I become. I thought it would get easier rather than harder because there is so much loss in everyone’s life. But it doesn’t.
It really doesn’t.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
YES!!! I love both my parents just after I was married, so they never got to meet their grandchildren. My kids have a hard time since all their friends have grandparents. Sigh. Life is hard and so not fair sometimes.
Tammi @ My Organized Chaos recently posted…Healthy Berry Smoothie
That breaks my heart. I was broken at the father daughter dance at my wedding, but my step dad tried. Life is incredibly unfair sometimes- that’s for sure.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…Loss and Motherhood
Grieving in front of your children shows them that it is ok to grieve. And it IS ok to grieve.
Luckily, his memory and his name will forever live on in sweet Millie and in you.
Hugs!
I grieve… but breaking down worries me. I hope that’s ok.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
I lost my mom about 8 years ago. It takes time to get over those things. Very powerful read. Thanks for sharing.
Jennifer Sikora recently posted…I’m Headed to Tomorrowland aka LA for the #TomorrowlandEvent
The loss of a parent is one of the worst.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
I am so sorry for your loss. We lost my father in law a couple weeks ago and not a day goes by that I don’t think about him and even expect him to still be there.
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Oh, that must to so hard. I’m so sorry.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
I’m so incredibly sorry to hear about your loss. I know how hard that kind of stuff can be.
Thank you.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
I think letting your kids see you grieve lets them know it’s ok to be upset, sad or cry, and that they don’t have to hold their feelings in.
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That is a good point.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
You’ve had some terrible losses and I feel your pain, I really do. Last year we lost five family members so we went through 5 times the grief. Thanks for sharing this memorable post and letting us into your life.
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That is awful. My heart goes out to you!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
I’m so sorry about your loss. Your Uncle Ted sounded like a wonderful guy. I think you handled your goodbye the best you knew how and I’m sure he understood that.
Anne-Marie @ This Mama Cooks! On a Diet recently posted…5 tips for gluten free birthday parties
He was one of the greats.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
It sounds like he was an amazing person and a really important figure in your family. I’m sorry about your loss.
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Thank you, Liz.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
I am sorry about the loss of your uncle, and other family members. I lost my dad last December when he was just a newly turned 51. He was sick for 2 days, and went to two different hospitals. They both let him return home and told him it was a pinched nerve at one place, and constipation at another. My poor dad was having a heart aneurysm. He died at home. On the couch.alone. He should have been in the hospital that he was rushed to that morning, but they sucked and discharged him. My faith helps me to get through it, but I need my dad..I feel like 30, 28, 26, 24, and 20 are just too young to lose a dad. My kids miss their Vavo so much too. Now my siblings and I have no dad and it sucks..miss him so much. Hugs to you as well.
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Oh love, how awful. I am so incredibly sorry to hear your story. I wish doctors took patients more seriously… ran more tests. I wish I could take back your hurt. When my Dad died, we were 21, 13 (me) and 5(x 2). There is no OK age to lose a parent. The cycle of life is, to be honest, a bitch.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
I am so sorry you have had to experience so much loss in your life. Your loved ones will always be near you.
So true- I am so blessed to have my village.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard losing someone you love. I lost both my parents two years ago, and it is still hard. I look at my daughter and am sad sometimes thinking that she will grow up and not really know them. I do tell her stories about them and we always have their pictures around the house. They say time heals, but sometimes its okay to be sad and miss them. You’ll see them again someday. Hugs!
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I can imagine that is hard. I only had 2 grandparents, and then only 1 from 9-22. It was hard to see my mom see things her parents missed out on, if that makes sense. Sending you lots of love!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
I am so sorry for your loss. It is really hard to grieve when you have to hold it all together for the kids.
Mindy McGowan recently posted…Transitioning from Breast to Bottle with Munchkin LATCH
It is. For sure.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
Oh man, you’ve certainly dealt with your fair share of grief. Agreed, as a mother, you have to find very different ways to express and deal with grief.
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We really do.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
I am sorry for your loss. You are right, you have every right to express yourself. You’re such a strong lady!
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I am glad I held it together, mostly, for the kids.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
Oh gosh, you’ve been through soo much. I can imagine it is harder during mortherhood. I am praying for you and your family.
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Thank you so much!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish I had the words needed, but unfortunately I do not think any ever does. My thoughts are with you.
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Thank you, Mistee!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
Hugs… As we grow, we put different prospective on things. We associate things different. But which ever way you turn it – it is hard
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<3
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
Love and loss. Loss and love. Sadly, they go hand in hand. Happily… they go hand in hand. It’s a circle of life and emotions that helps us grow, learn and teach. It’s not always easy for sure. But it goes on whether we’re ready or not. Im sorry for your loss. Goodbyes are never easy when we’re not quite ready to let go.
It is hard to trust love when you know you will lose. That is for sure.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
I am so sorry for your loss and sorry that you’ve had much loss in your life. ((HUGS))
Thank you, Nancy.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
I am so sorry for all of the losses that you have experienced. Hugs.
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Thank you, Stacey.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
It’s hard to lose loved ones. It does get a little easier to deal with over time, but that feeling of loss never goes away.
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It never does, that’s for sure.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
I lost my dad when I was young, too. I am so sorry for your loss.
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Hugs to you!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
loss is always so hard and never makes sense to us. You are so strong!!!
Love you, mama. Thank you!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
Chelly,
Hello, my name is Amanda Frazier and I do believe we are my cousin. Theodore Rogan ( Ted) was/is my grandfather so hearing these words from you warms my heart to actually have the opportunity to be able to hear another success story and positive changes/things he has done for others lives that he did without question! Unfortunately I don’t have much recollection of your mom aka Aunt Susan until about a month and a half ago and when he passed. I have of course heard about all of you but for your most part I was very young so certain things of course are not shared with young children in the same sense… I just know that when I moved here 8 months ago was blessed with the opportunity to get to know him But not just as grandpa but as a friend and support system!!! I hear stories from throughout his life good or bad and I hold those memories near and dear to my heart to cherish every day for they are lessons learned help given goals accomplished lives changed and so much more he has done for other…no he was no saint and had his corks but he was non the less a dam good man!!! So I speak for me, and my family all over… sending you love and courage to get you and your family through this hard time! I give you my condolences and understanding the hurt felt from within but we can think negatively and grieve…he would kick all of our behinds lol…I have to tell myself everyday to remember the man that taught us all a very valuable lessons in one way or another so in his memory let him live on through all of us..let’s continue to make him proud!!!!
Sincerely,
Amanda Marie Frazier
Hey Amanda!
It’s hard with family and adoption and trying to meet family- but I’ve heard so much about you! Ted was such a military man in some ways, but he loved so wholly and fully that his direction was always to love and push to succeed. I am glad that you got to know him better and that you feel like you’re on a better path- I know all he wanted for his family was for us to be happy, healthy and reach our potential, then go further.
Lots of love to you,
Chelley
I’m sorry for all your losses. Losing someone you loved is devastating. Such a great tribute!
Thank you.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
We’ve lost four grandparents (every single great-grandparent my children have ever known) in the past two years and my children have attended every service. We have always been very open with our children about death because it is a reality of life. My children have watched me tear up and break down. They have held my hand, rubbed my back and given me kisses when I needed it because we are REAL with them. We don’t sugar coat it, we don’t hide it; we share it, we discuss it openly and we embrace what loss is really like. Every child is different and handles it differently but hiding the truth makes grieving seem shameful and wrong when in truth, NOT taking the time to grieve is detrimental. Let your children into your reality and I think you’ll be surprised by what they are capable of handling.
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I hope to be there someday, but I don’t think my 3 year old can handle all of that (and definitely not my newbie). I am so sorry for your loss! I never had a great grandparent and my grandparents were dead before my kids were born- or I was even married- but I know that losing their great grandfather, my husband’s grandfather, will be a great blow to the family. I cannot imagine your pain and wish you much peace <3
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
I am so sorry you had so many losses in your life. Loss is never easy: adult or child. It is terrible
It really is.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
Hugs, mama. It’s hard to lose someone close to you at any age. You’ll be in my thoughts especially over the next few days.
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Thank you Melissa!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
So sorry for your loss. I can totally relate. My parents passed away one day apart, and it is difficult to deal with situations like these.
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Oh Myrah, I am so sorry to hear this!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
So sorry for so much loss. My dad and my Father in Law are both gone, it was so very hard.
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I am scared to lose my FIL… I feel like I need a Dad around.. if that makes sense. My heart goes out to you!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag
I’m so sorry for your losses. Hugs! Beautifully written!
thank you.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…The Breastfeeding Blogger’s Conference Bag