Brought to you by the letter ‘D.’
Over the past couple of years, I have not written much. I have not spoken much. I have not… much.
I have worked. I have suffered in silence and screamed not much aloud. I have been hurt and damaged. I have been abused and silenced and shamed and belittled. I was still because if I moved, I would be hurt. If I dreamt, it would be of demons. If I woke, it would be for more of the same.
Not much was my life, because I was told, and subsequently believed, I was not much.
I was silent because it was me. I became that person. I allowed myself to be pushed down, and not to punch up. And I became a ghost. And I was silent. I allowed people to believe in the good in others. I allowed friends and family to think it was accidental and everything was OK. I gave permission for others to feel their feelings without truth. Without facts and proof.
And I will do this no more. But I will still stay quiet, because that person does not deserve to have their name spoken. To have more people knowing them. To have people looking to find, heal, or help them. They shall have the life they deserve. And me? I shall be free.
So I will share the truth, because this is how one is set free. I am divorced from the girls’ amazing Dad, Dave. He and I co-parent like a boss- which isn’t to say we don’t have hiccups (life is full of those), but we have a respect for each other and the past and such a strong love for the girls, that we are absolutely doing it the best we can!
I adopted the most amazing teenager, Rachael, who I’ve just shipped out on deployment to the Middle East.
And I am getting married to the most amazing woman, Kim, in August.
Woah. Take a breath. You got this. I’m still here. I don’t have much else to say, except HAPPY PRIDE MONTH. Addie is still full of ear infections and sass, Millie is growing up beyond what I’d ever imagined my clone could, and Rachael is making me the most proud mama ever. I cannot wait to use #NavyWife this summer, and I am safe.
If you are ever unsafe in a relationship, you can relate to this breath where one can finally say safe. But you may also be aware of the fears that safety can ignite. Suddenly the way you’ve lived your life in fear and knowing that you need to constantly check yourself to stay in the zone of not being hit or emotionally torn down is suddenly null and void. Now you can just be you… and being you then becomes unsafe.
If this is you- reach out. Please.
This is just a brief… welcome back? I am hoping to write more. I am hoping to be more. I am hoping to expand and never look back. Until I find all the things I am hoping for- just know I am here. Queer. And happy as hell that you’re still reading.
Here’s to finding happiness at all stages of life.