…it’s because he likes you.
I’ve heard these words a few times in my life. I also lost my father at 13. I blame no one but myself for what shaped me into the cautious woman I am. The fist fighter. The one that’s a bit too loud, or says too much. I want you to know about me, because I don’t want anyone to ever be me. Without the family I have, I would be a different person. I was shaped by events in my life, but always lifted by those around me. Some are not as blessed, their stories are tangled webs they’ve never been able to unweave. After subjecting myself to one situation or another, I found my path and ran down it, but I am here now because I need you to help the future.
I ask you to never teach your kids the phrase, it’s because he likes you. Or she. If you’re saying that, you’re perpetuating behavior abusive to your child. And below, I will share some stories. And they will make you uncomfortable. And they are raw and revealing and this post is not edited and my husband nor mother has ever seen it. And it could be ugly. But after seeing this:
It’s not my fault. I can say that it’s not my fault.
Because you got the Zima and I got drunk. I was underage. Maybe I didn’t say “no” because I couldn’t. You stopped me with hands other than my own. Pinned high above my head that was frantically shaking. You didn’t even kiss me- you knew I would bite- but you smiled after.
You’re so pretty.
Broken and torn. My body was never the same. It was never mine again.
Because you were mad I went out with my friends. I said I was sorry. I called you. We spoke. You said to have fun. You said it was OK. You were waiting for me, because you had no plans on that Friday night. And then you got me flowers. You came back again and again, and I asked you to stop. Our teeth left impressions on fists. Blood sprayed like tie-dye on the concrete. We argued until the police were called. They knocked. You told me not to answer the door.
You fucking did this.
You practically spit words in my face, then you kissed it, holding my cheeks hard.
Because I didn’t know many people on your team. But you liked me. And you held my hand at the party. And I sipped those drinks because everyone else did and they were OK, but then I wasn’t. And you were behind me pushing my face into vomit. …and if it wasn’t for a teammate of yours, I would have stayed there ’til morning. I’m sure. I can remember the shower and wearing clothes too big for me. And falling asleep in my own bed. And I was safe. But you didn’t bring me there. Because if you liked me you wouldn’t do these things. Would you?
And if we love our daughters, we won’t teach them that he likes us because he pushes us. Or calls us names. Or puts gum in our hair. Or because boys are boys.
Because it’s not my fault. It was my gateway drug. Because it kept happening time and time again. Because the common denominator was me. It was my fault. I was a good victim. But he likes me, I reasoned.
Because if he likes you, he will tell you so. He will hold your hand, and kiss the thin, smooth skin that covers your knuckles. He will tell you the things he likes best, his favorite memories, his hopes for the future. He will stroke your hair and dry your eyes. He will not raise a fist or force himself on you. Because wanting to have power over you is not love. Not ever.
Our bodies are not a cars parked in a shady part of town. Our bodies are not the front door left open. Our bodies are humans. Be human. #NeverYourFault
This is such a powerful post. I could not have said this any better.
<3
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…An Open Letter to Father-in-Laws to Daughters with no Father
What a beautiful post. You are right, those words are toxic.
Dogvills recently posted…The Beagle – A Great Small Dog for Kids
They are toxic, indeed.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…An Open Letter to Father-in-Laws to Daughters with no Father
WOW! What a powerful ( and painful to you) post to write. I do not have girl children. I have boys. I have always felt that I was responsible for how I taught my boys to treat women. My husband has always felt that we were responsible to create loving strong men who protect and nurture not shame and injure. As parents I believe that we are in part responsible for teaching what is right and not covering up or hiding or excusing what is wrong.
Michelle de Guzman recently posted…Knock Out Pain – Naturally
You are amazing parents. Thank you.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…An Open Letter to Father-in-Laws to Daughters with no Father
As a mother of 3 girls, I do try to pay attention to how I word things to them especially when it comes to their bodies and their space. I hear your words and can easily see how young girls and even older girls get the jumbled message that someone else’s actions are their fault. It’s so important to bring attention to this “culture”.
Jessica Harlow recently posted…Tired of stinky feet? Eliminate those odors naturally with Gardencense!
So true. I hate that we have to be so careful… but I know it’s all to keep them safe.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…An Open Letter to Father-in-Laws to Daughters with no Father
This brought tears to my eyes. It’s a tough cycle to break and you’re so right that we need to stop using that phrase. Powerful post!
Liz Mays recently posted…Apple Pie Cider
We really do. Thank you!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…An Open Letter to Father-in-Laws to Daughters with no Father
such a powerful message. those words are toxic and have a long term effect in our their lives
rika recently posted…Anaheim Marriott Hotel near Disneyland – Hotel Review
So true.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…An Open Letter to Father-in-Laws to Daughters with no Father
Wow… this makes perfect sense. Thanks for sharing this powerful post. This is definitely true. I hope parents all over the world follow through with this.
I do, as well. Thank you.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…An Open Letter to Father-in-Laws to Daughters with no Father
What a beautiful post. love the powerful message. I will spread this to all my friends
Thank you for sharing.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…An Open Letter to Father-in-Laws to Daughters with no Father
It is a sad reality. I was moved by your words. I hope no girl or woman has to go through with this. Those words are so confusing, so manipulative! We must speak to our daughters about this and remind them constantly that they should always be careful.
Annemarie LeBlanc recently posted…5 Vital Travel Tips for Parents – Family Trips Made Easy
Yes. They need to know that love looks and feels like love. Always. It does not look like abuse.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…An Open Letter to Father-in-Laws to Daughters with no Father
Wow, very powerful. I remember saying those words myself back in high school to a friend, for some hurtful words and actions she received by her boyfriend. It’s never “because he likes you” – it’s because he’s an a-hole.
Maria recently posted…Happy First Day of Fall Quotes
Bam! That’s the message we need to send!
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…An Open Letter to Father-in-Laws to Daughters with no Father
Wow. This post. Is amazing. I couldn’t agree more. Those words are so toxic, and don’t I know it. I was raped at 16, and I still carry the whole thing around with me.
Jeanine recently posted…Welcome Fall with Chocolate Chip & Sweet Kettle Popcorn Caramel Apples
Oh love, I am so sorry. It is something I don’t think will ever leave me, either, but we can pass it onto our babies- love is love. Love is never abuse <3
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…An Open Letter to Father-in-Laws to Daughters with no Father
When we convey such jumbled, toxic messages to our girls, they fail to understand the true meaning of love. Love is unconditional. What a powerful message you have voiced! Sharing it right now! Thanks!
Kam Kay recently posted…Potato Stuffed Bell Peppers Recipe
Thank you for sharing!
I taught my daughter that love is an action word and they show you how they will love you tomorrow today.
MsCrookedHalo recently posted…A super social type of day
That’s a great lesson!
Chelley @ A is For Adelaide recently posted…An Open Letter to Father-in-Laws to Daughters with no Father
Wow what a powerful post, you have written it so well. It’s such a hard topic that not many people talk about but it must be highlighted.
The L’s Mum recently posted…7 Things I tell myself at every nursery drop off
I agree.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A, #FallColors
Ah girls everywhere can relate in some form or another. It is important to teach our kids at home, and early that certain things are just not acceptable, ever.
Yes.
Chelley @ A is for Adelaide recently posted…#52WeeksA4A, #FallColors