It happened twice this week that she, my rainbow baby, mentioned him.
Usually, I get a weekend in between. I don’t have to spend Monday celebrating and Friday mourning… but this year is different. And on the 19th year, I still miss you, Dad.
On Monday, we celebrated Addie, who is so like him- quiet and reflective… when she isn’t being like me, loud and proud. And on Friday, today, we mourn the loss of the man who hung the moon.
It’s been a while… but I’ve just been so angry at cancer and the pain it’s caused my friends recently. Watching those around me lose parents, and seeing their children endure the loss of their grandparents breaks my heart, and brings me back to April 21, 1998.
April really can be the cruelest month.
Cancer, can you hear me?
It’s been longer than I can remember, and another man holds her hand.
He dries her tears.
He sips wine and shares in her laughter.
And I’m shredded at the thought.
It’s been 19 years, and yet the time seems to have dragged on for ages.
He took the pictures at all the big events.
He held my arm and gave me away.
And I swallowed all the hot tears those days.
It’s been a lifetime since I heard your voice, and yet I could pick it out in a crowd of a million.
He answers every time I call.
He loves my girls and calls them his own.
And I try so hard to find the light.
Can you hear me, Cancer?
The dissonance you create.
The craters you jam between the moments of importance.
The complication of emotion no person should have to endure.
Can you hear me, Cancer?
You never cared for the person you took,
the children who watched,
the wife who weathered,
the people who endured.
Or did we?
Some days, we aren’t really here at all.
We live in that room with you, Cancer.
The final moments he tried to leave.
The last sounds that echo in lungs drowning on land.
The light that one can feel leaving the body if you’re holding on hard enough.
And we’re still holding on.
Can you hear me, Cancer?
You ruined the light that was in him,
covered him in black,
breathless and pale,
gone.
Some days, I don’t want to put my feet on the floor.
They’re heavy and clumsy.
My heart begging to stay.
I still wake up crying.
Do you hear me, Cancer?
I am yelling:
I FUCKING HATE YOU
today.
I have lost WAY too many people that I love to cancer. It is the most horrible disease and it takes WAY too many people from us.
It really does.
So beautiful, so painful, so heart-wrenching, Saddened that anyone has to go through this with a loved one. My prayers for your family and your comfort.
<3
Such a powerful post. So many of us have lost way too many loved ones to cancer.
It’s truly the worst killer
I am sorry for your loss. My husband lost his mother last year. Although she didn’t have cancer, it was still a very hard experience for him. As a spouse, it is so hard to see your husband go through such loss and pain. I think it is good you are using your writing as a means to heal and find peace.
Thank you. <3
Cancer really is a tough one and it can catch you off guard. Seeing what cancer can do to someone is so difficult. I’m sorry for your loss.
It really can.
I lost a very close friend in 2012 to cancer and my grandpa when i was 2. My father in law had cancer and went through chemo and radiation in 2014 / 2015. I am so thankful he is now cancer free though. Cancer kills way too many people.
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It does.
So sorry to hear about your loss, grieving is a never ending process. Your poem very eloquently describes some of the feelings of the survivors and your own thoughts, very beautiful.
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Thank you so much.
I agree. I lost my MIL to pancreatic cancer and I miss her every day. Sending you hugs.
I’m so sorry to hear that.
This was so beautiful! I too have lost loved ones to cancer… My mother, her father and mother, her son… as well as my father was diagnosed with colon cancer and his father died of lung cancer. So I have cancer murdering my dear family members and I too hate cancer!
I am so very sorry!
This is a beautiful post my best friend die from cancer too she diagnosed that she has a breast cancer. Sorry to hear about your loss
Oh, love. I am so sorry for your loss.