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Depression and Blame

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This may be better than reading… forgive the 10pm look of tired.


At one point, long before I had children I figured hey, you’ve done a lot of bad shit, maybe don’t have kids.

But like many other people in this world, I met a man I loved and we made a baby. And then another. And somewhere in between me cutting down on the amount of straight whiskey shots I was taking and the weekly races I run from Spring to Fall, I had come to realize I stopped scrubbing the floors until my cuticles bled and tears fell. Most times I felt frustration, the anger that came flooding after, the thoughts of hurt and pain and anguish- those all kind of just. Well…

they just stopped.

I always wanted children, but that’s a hell of a lot different than having them.
I want to win the lottery, too… but I don’t play the lottery and I do- as you can guess- have had sex.
And so I have 2 kids and no lottery winnings.

I digress.

What I mean is, the part of me that liked to cut up my arms and burst into anger and more than contemplated suicide, just went away.

But what if I gave it to them?

I recently spoke to a woman who had lost her son to depression. Yes, I said lost her son to depression, because if you think depression is a choice or even suicide at the point of execution, then you are ignorant to what depression is.

Depression is not being sad for a few days or about one specific thing. It’s a spiral into hell. It’s the deepest part of your psyche lost in a blackness that none would dare imagine. It’s the point of losing feeling- mental and physical. If you’ve ever said, “Ermagherd, like I know, I was so depressed after that test,” you have no fucking idea what depression is.

That being said, I spoke to a woman who had lost her son to depression. And as I listened to her, my insides tore apart. I could feel blood pouring out of my veins and spilling into my body. I was becoming weak. I knew in those moments, as her words flooded my ears, I’d done all of this to my mother… except I lived. And now I was as guilty of torturing my mother as I was of surviving the insanity of bipolar disorder.

And then the ringing in my ears stopped, and my head cleared, and I glanced down… and on my breast laid a sleeping babe. Her skin as pale and creamy as the most perfect complexion could be described. Her chest slowly rising and falling, gentle whimpers leaving her lips. Small fingers gently pulsing on my back.

What if I gave it to her?

Depression is a demon. It finds you staring back at you in the mirror at 2am. Sober as a judge, wondering why you’re awake. Better yet, why you were born. And the mania? Well that plays a role, too. Lurking behind every plan you’ve ever attempted to make. Not letting you leave on time because you didn’t make the bed and the coffee pot is on and you haven’t slept in days and the phone might ring what if the phone rings and you’re not home and you need to turn around and go back because just one. more. thing. And it’s obsession and love, and the worst hate and deepest pain. And you never know what your day may bring, or even if you want the whole day to happen. Maybe you’ll just end it now.

And what if I gave it to them?

My girls. My reason for living. My lowest lows seem to be gone and my highest highs controlled. I seem to be OK. My tears flow without anger or guilt or resentment or fear. Sometimes they are just tears and that’s kind of… well… normal. And that’s ok.

But what if I gave it to them?

And what if he blames me?

And what happens if we lose our loves to depression?
Because of me.

Being a parent is not fun sometimes.
Sometimes, it’s the scariest, most guilt-ridden thing I think one can do to themselves.

And damn it, sometimes all we can do is pray we didn’t pass it on.

Filed Under: Family + Parenting Tagged With: , , , ,

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Comments

  1. my Dear ,
    If you passed it on,there is help.
    I have depression.Didnt even know it for years.May have even had what they call
    Border line personality disorder.Maybe its really Bipolar .My Husband has it too.
    My children cant win.But there is hope .There is always Hope.There is always new and better medicines and there is God.

    Reply

  2. This felt like it cracked me wide open, like you were me describing me only so much more eloquently. Although if your depression is passed to your girls, thankfully they have a mother who understands on the deepest level having been there herself. Not that you don’t want to spare them from it, but if for whatever reason that doesn’t happen, your girls are so blessed to have a mother that will help them fight in the trenches….sometimes in our darkest hours, just knowing that we have someone that not only loves us immensely and unconditionally but who has stared into the same pit of hell we are facing provides us with the one kernel of light and hope that we need to keep going. So much love to you and yours. Thank you for the gift of this post.

    Reply

  3. If nothing else, hopefully this helps people who are suffering from depression know that they are not alone. <3

    Reply

  4. Wow. Just when I think I’ve seen every side you’d want to show me through your blog, I see something else. It’s possible you gave them a propensity for some sort of mental illness, but parents give their kids all kinds of things. You know exactly what to look for and how to deal. I think you and the babes are going to be fine. =D
    Jennifer recently posted…Piña Colada Fruit Dip RecipeMy Profile

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  5. Wow, what a beautiful post and yes it was better with you reading it to us. I’ve been living with depression for years now and recently I realized it was passed down from my grandmother who had depression but was never treated for it. My biggest fear is that I passed it on to my kids.

    Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. Sending prayers your way hun!
    Corina Ramos recently posted…Buh-bye Other Brand-I Love Neutrogena Naturals Make-Up Remover Cleansing TowelettesMy Profile

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  8. Oh yes, parenting is so hard and depression? There’s not even enough words to describe how hard it is to function as a parent with it. I’ve had it too…I feel you, I really do and I pray every day that the family and generational curse of depression in my family ends with me…forever. I’ve watched three of my six kids struggle with normal teen age depression and hope each time they turn to me, their dad, our Priest, before the ever hurt themselves.
    Sharon recently posted…My Conversation With The Devil. Or…What Happened When I Went To TherapyMy Profile

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  10. Yes, all we can do IS pray. There are things that are beyond our control, and for that I am thankful! Leave it in God’s hands – worrying about it doesn’t help, though it’s hard not to!! Hugs!! <3

    Reply

  11. Dawn hit the nail on the head with this, you are by far the most open blogger I know! Thank you for that! Hopefully this helps someone dealing with the same issues 🙂 HUGS!!

    Reply

  13. Depression is a scary battle. And one that is a never ending battle. once you think you have it beaten, it comes again. It is one you have to be ever vigilant against or else it can sneak up on you. We have it in my family genes. Chronic depression. It’s a hard battle to face. But the important part is to get help when needed. And I know that sounds easier than it is. Cause when you are in the throws of depression that is the last thing you want to do.
    Amber Edwards recently posted…6 Bathtub Safety Tips for Babies & KidsMy Profile

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  16. I’ve never gone through depression, but have many friends who have. I love that you are so brutally honest, this will help so many people feel like they aren’t alone.

    Reply

  29. Thanks for sharing this! When I was a teenager, I tried a few times to commit suicide. After I ran away from home at 16, my life changed around completely by the good of other people who gave me a home to live in and helped me to see all there was to live for. I certainly hope I didn’t pass any of my negativity on to my children. My husband suffers from depression, but I found that my depression was circumstancial. As soon as I left the crap home I lived in and was out of my psychotic mother’s grasp, I discovered all there was to live for. With that said I do know the pain and anguish other people’s depression leaves on the ones you love. I’ve tried for a long time to “fix” my husband. But I can’t do anything for him except tell him I care and listen to him. Its hard on both ends.
    Heather recently posted…Beat the April Showers Blues with Fun Indoor ActivitiesMy Profile

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  32. Everything about this post is amazing. We all worry as parents, right? We worry that we passed on the hardest parts of ourselves to our babies. In the end, maybe we did. But we can teach them to cope, even thrive better than we did. I feel like that is our role!

    Reply

  36. Thank you for sharing this post. It is deep and you are RIGHT: people who have not experienced depression are not able to understand it… in terms of passing this along to your children, I hope you find solace in some of the comments above encouraging you to take heart because since you have traveled the road, you are able to preempt a lot. Which leads me to prayers: that is the BEST and first line for me and it works. Wishing you well and keeping you and your precious little ones in prayers 🙂
    Martine – MeUnfinished recently posted…Saving the “Tatas” – Breast exam: from skeptic to true believerMy Profile

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