I leaned up against the glass at the rink. It was cold. I imagined we were watching the girls take the ice. She reached out like she was taking a hand only she knew was there. I didn’t realize it at the moment… I just snapped a picture and stared at her back as her hand stayed there a few moments too long and then dropped back to her side. My cheeks burned. I didn’t even know I was crying. Just cleansing salt water flowed from my eyes. My chest was tight. John Denver Country Roads in my head.
It’s still on repeat in my playlist. I beg to be taken home. The line from Hamilton’s My Shot “I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory…” I feel that. I am that.
I saw you yesterday and the ground was sopping beneath my feet. Addie trampled over the wet grass, smiling. She asked questions about you that she knows the answers to. I didn’t want to talk. I wasn’t alone. I needed to be alone. As Millie slept in the car, I wish everyone had been asleep. I wish I could have laid down on you, like I do, and cried. Told you all the ways I needed you still. But you already know.
I miss you and the days seems so much darker still. It was supposed to get better. I was supposed to grow up and cope with my life. I didn’t. I can’t.