It’s Monday… again… and, if you’re local to me, you probably saw snow.
It wasn’t so bad, but made me so excited for the holiday season! I love the holidays! And, thankfully, my mom taught Addie “Jingle Bells” and we’ve watched Curious George’s Christmas on Netflix… so we’re ready. Hooray!
But, I digress.
It’s Monday. A marvelous Monday! And at some point last week I took the plunge to open up the disc my doula, Erica, gave me containing Millie’s birth pictures. I have to admit she dropped it off a while ago, but I was so scared to see them that I kept them locked in the case, in the bag the case came in.
But, the kids were both asleep and my work was waning for the afternoon, and I dared open the input on my laptop. As I opened the folder of files, tears filled my eyes. I was scared about what was there. The anger I still have about my body failing, about having a beautiful birth and then somehow it all stopped. The beauty ended. I couldn’t get it together…
I mean, I did… at some point. But those moments in between, the shaking and pain, medication and bleeding. While I was failing, Erica found the beauty. Me telling my mom that Camille had arrived. Dave helping me nurse our newest for the first time. Skin-to-skin with Dave.
While I’ve been feeling lost about her birth, wondering how my body could do so much and give up at the end… it really was just a blip. It’s been taking over my mind, but what defined the birth- her birth- Camille’s arrival… is her. She’s here, happy and healthy and I’m OK, too!
Here’s to a new week (my last week in my 20’s!), a new outlook, and accepting things we cannot change- but seeing the beauty and perfection in what they were.