Tonight, I fell in love with you.
It seems like these nights have been filled with a lot of reminiscing for your sister and her days of being a baby… and then I feel the weight shift in my arms and you dreamily look up at me. Your big blue eyes struggle to focus as they lull back to sleep. They take your infancy with them. You sleep to dream, to grow. And I am here, holding onto you as though you may awaken as a toddler and not my baby.
Because… someday, that’s exactly what will happen.
But, tonight, I fell in love with you.
From the moment you were born, I was in love. I was passionate. I loved you. But to fall in love. That is different.
Tonight was different.
You grabbed my face and pinched my cheeks, pulling my chin to your mouth, then laughing. You tucked your head into my neck. You gripped at my shirt. You wanted, it seemed, exactly what I did… to get back in. To go back to the days where you were just a few pounds, nestled safely in my womb… not this baby heading towards 25 pounds at an alarming rate.
To think, this whole letter started with me listening to Sigur Rós. I was taken back to warm summer days spent in Philadelphia in love with a boy (sorry, kid, it wasn’t your Dad), wrapped in our sweat and the swirls of cigarette smoke, underwear clad, fingers clumsily clasped together. It was like a movie in my head, but I know it wasn’t in the moment. I know it was real, and raw. There were words we never spoke. But there was this overwhelming calm I felt, just because of the music. And that is me now. Playing Sigur Rós, listening to your breathing on my chest. You and me, kid. We’re not much different… sure there’s no smoke, and it’s really cold out, but here I am, wrapped up in you and you’re wrapped up in me. Your sweat is drenching me, and I couldn’t care less. I’m smiling through tears. This moment is perfect. Up too late, in dyer need of sleep, feeling a calm I don’t usually reach.
I have always and will always love you. And tonight, as had happened before and will happen again, I fell in love with you. With the rise and fall of your chest. With how the music feels in my heart as I rock you in your slumber.
I love you, Camille. My sweet, Millie Mills.
If you ever miss me, wrap yourself in a blanket, close your eyes and play this song.