HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Now that’s out of the way, onto our usual MM post (thankful, dwarfism, random)… Hold onto your hats. It’s gonna be a long one!
This week I am thankful for the 2 weeks Addie and I have had with Dave. Yes. TWO weeks. We left for Philadelphia on the Saturday before Christmas and we got back to RI the following one. Dave headed into work for Monday and half of Tuesday, had New Year’s Day off, then Hercules dropped some snow on us and Dave was home Thursday and Friday. As he heads into work today, I hope he feels the relief of being back to a schedule.
Since his time off I have not gotten out of bed before 9am. Most days, not before 10… and there were a few 11’s in there. True story. I ate a hot breakfast almost everyday. I showered more than twice a week. I dried my hair, by myself. I did my nails, put on a face mask or two, deep conditioned my hair, read half a book, caught up on reading some of my favorite blogs and resumed some semblance of a daily workout. This refreshing end/start to the year(s) was so important to getting my head on straight… and brings me to other things to be thankful for- like the way Dave has changed and his awesome boss.
Spending time alone with Addie when she was an infant was hard for anyone but me- her sole provider of food and the one who understood each cry and sound. Now that she’s (incredibly) vocal, understands requests and direction and eats pretty much anything that’s not nailed down, I find myself alone when Dave is home. Off on some adventure, Dave steals Addie while I sleep to make food, run errands, or read stories in her bedroom. We both give each other the eye in some strange competition of Who Will Be The One She Wants to Put Her to Sleep Tonight. When she’s hurting, Daddy can heal her pain and when she needs snuggles at night, she often begs for Daddy to rescue her from the crib. While it is nice to not have to get up at 4am, I’ve found myself pushed to the edge of the bed, sad. I miss the days she needed me so much.
Then there is the look. The look of peace and warmth. It’s what Dave’s face looks like, even at 6:30am when hungah spews over and over from the mouth of a half-awake toddler into the open space of our room. When she cries waahwaah hungah nanaaah and he hops up and asks, “you’re ready for breakfast, Bug?” There is the look of total contentment. Whatever happens to a woman to feel the love she does for her young happens to a man, too. I’ve seen it first-hand.
I’m also incredibly blessed that Dave’s boss recognized that his employees come in by train from Boston and from 50 miles away by car, and decided to cancel work before the snow hit. With a few calls and some research, Dave stayed on top of the tail-end of his work week from the safety and warmth (and yet, drafts?) of home. For a job he stumbled upon with a start-up just 3 years ago, his career is blossoming in ways we never could have foreseen.
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And so she grows. No really. I just wrote about this on a post of the same name: AND SO SHE GROWS, AND SO SHE GROWS. If you know Billy Joel, you will see my play on words from And So it Goes, and you may recognize the true heartache that comes with watching your child
grow up mature. When Addie was diagnosed, we were warned about all the things she would never do and we were told of all the milestones we would miss. We were given predictions about her height and told she had to be on a hard surface always and most toys were a no-go and her balance would be bad… and so on. And after all that, I was overwhelmed and sad. We got rid of bouncers and carriers and sleepers. I found toys that were good for her, but not always mature enough. And I didn’t know where to go. As a new mom to a special needs child, I wish I’d known all of THIS.
But I didn’t, and I wasn’t prepared for a doctor to be wrong. But she was. Not because all babies with dwarfism do walk before 36 months, although many do, or because she’s not as small as I once believed she would be, or that she has decent balance. No. I wasn’t prepared because I got lost in a negative world. I don’t always see Addie as growing up… she doesn’t always gain an up, but she does grow in her intelligence, in her beauty, in her love and understanding and in her compassion. Initially I was worried I would hinder her into a sheltered life- one where I would hide all the bad. And becoming CPL didn’t help that fear. But then I saw. I saw her say “HI!” to everyone she meets, and wave with an exuberant “BYE PEOPLE”, as we exit any given location. I have witnessed her love, as I cook dinner and she reaches around my leg with a hug and a pat and whispers love you, mama so gently into the back of my knee. She loves me, without prompting or pressure, without even seeing my face, she buries her own into my leg and expresses her own emotion.
Do I protect her? Yes. Just as I will put a helmet, and knee and elbow pads on her to ride a bike. Just as many parents do. I didn’t wear knee or elbow pads and my helmet surely did not fit as well as they do now… does that mean my parents didn’t care? Am I just over-protective? Should she never ride a bike?
I could wrack my brain forever. I could worry about all the things you might think of how I parent, or how your neighbor might feel about me, or that dude who anonymously comments on my posts in the most negative of lights. But then, I wouldn’t be parenting, I would be absorbed in my thoughts about everyone else’s thoughts. So, let’s call it a truce. Let’s make a pact.
This blog was started with the intention to education about dwarfism, but if I focus on dwarfism alone, I will alienate myself and you. I will become obsessed, immersed in so many details that I will come to define Adelaide as a person with dwarfism, and not just see her difference as a part of her. I will come to define all people with dwarfism as just that, and if I do that, I will only see myself as a white woman. That will be who I am. But it’s not. And so, this blog will continue to educate, advocate, spread awareness and push buttons. I will share stories of change and some of adversity. And here’s the best part: I don’t care what you think. While I would love your support and hope you stay to read more posts, what I crave is equality. For my child, for your child. I seek name calling, bullying and fear of the unknown to become a thing of the past. Ask questions- all of them. I want to answer. I want to know your fears so that I may assuage them. I want you to know what terms are accepted to call a person with dwarfism, and I want you to know that you do not have the right to dictate what others feel. Neither do I. On this blog, the m-word will not be tolerated, whether you’re speaking of pickles or humans or anything in between. The word? Midget. And that’s the end. Those are my feelings, on my blog that I write.
So, I won’t judge you, on your blog, should you choose to write one, and you will not judge me.
x_______________________________________________ emotionally sign here
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You’re still with me? I hope so!
I wanted to recap last year’s resolutions (only 3), which I found when I named my resolution post this year: THIS YEAR, I RESOLVE. Somehow I picked the same name, two years in a row, without trying. I guess it’s a series, now!
From last year’s POST:
1. Be nice (to me): Yeah. That. Well… I am better, and I don’t bash myself in front of Addie, ever, but recently I’ve noticed my sweet girl pointing to the scale and saying, “mama.” So, clearly, I still need to work on that. I wish I could take the scale away, but I truly believe it is useful- especially for long runs. I weigh myself before and after to make sure I am not dehydrated. I also check my weight more often than I should, but now I need to be aware of not doing this while Addie is awake. I think this is something many women need to work on, and clearly I am still trying to justify my need for a scale. Regardless, though I am nice-r to myself, in no way am I nice.
2. Know when to hold ’em: So I still like to fight, but Dave and I are good about holding our tongues and I try to not speak to him in sarcastic tones because I truly do not want Addie to pick that nasty habit up! This is something I am still working on, but I think I will always have to be conscious of my words and actions as I’m a bit of a sailor-mouth with a temper.
3. Earn it to own it: Nailed it! I took time for myself each day to write and came up with 269 posts last year. This year I aim to write posts with just as much heart as ever… and add some time to take care of my fitness goals, too!
So there it is… Monday! I hope you have a beautiful week, Reader!!